Oh Me Oh My!

Do I feel a rant coming on.... just fair warning!!

You know there are days that by 9 am it becomes VERY obvious that you should NOT have gotten out of bed..... this is ONE of THOSE days. It's 10:26 am and I BELONG in bed! It would be so much better :)

First off I was really tired. It's been a very busy week, I am sure you all have those too. The types of weeks where you just put too much into it and then instead of trying to adjust things you just plow through it ALL. Come on, I know I can't be alone in that one, you ll do that too right?? Well anyways I was amped up last night from the mixer so I ended crashing REALLY late, so the 530 alarm for meds came way too early this morning! I guess it was too early for my kids too.. we all had a rough morning getting out of the house. But we made it to the car only 5 minutes late. Then all H E double hockey sticks broke loose.

You see our super sweet next door neighbor Mr O came over last night to say that he had hired a tree cutter dude to trim his trees that are totally hanging over in our yard. Oh how nice! But the thing is that because the trees that are PLANTED in his yard, totally hang over in our yard, the tree cutter dude needed access to our yard.... minus the dog.... today. Ok, I guess I can take Scooter to work with me, right? That would be one up side of owning you own business! So I grab the super shaggy, filthy dirty dog, put him on the leash and head out to the car. Now the super sad part is that the poor dog is SO EXCITED to be on the leash, yea I think we have been too busy to love him well with outside activities recently. But Scooter was SO hyper!! Now Nathaniel is terrified of dogs. All dogs. But NOT Scooter for some reason. Scooter and Nathaniel are buds. They sleep together every night, they watch TV together on Nat's bed, and they play ball together. They are buds. But this morning when I put Mr Hyper Scooter in the car Mr Nathaniel turned in to FREAK OUT MODE. Super duper really out there freak out mode. It was NOT pretty. Scooter bouncing all over the car. Audrey doing her fake, super sweet, sugar won't melt in my mouth voice talking to the dog. And Nathaniel. Screeching at an ear piercing volume. Crying hysterically. Kicking. Hitting. Biting (it's been months since he did that). Climbing me like I am a ladder. REFUSING to get in the car. Not a pretty scene. And remember, we were already running late. I finally had to have someone else take the dog to the store for me, and the kids had their first late morning of the new school year. Bummer.

Finally we get to school, and checked in at the office, and to class. Mr "I am going to move slower than molasses" even finally got to his classroom. And we walk in and there is a staff member in there that we thought we were done with. Now I like this woman, and she is good at what she does, but ....she and Nathaniel are like oil and water, they don't mix so well. We have had her for the last three years, and overall I really like her, but there are times that I have not completely agreed with HOW she treats my son. I got through many rough spots last year by telling myself that it was our last year with her. Oh man, why did I curse myself like that? So there she is, all excited to be in the class. She tells me that she has been reassigned and is in this class now, happy as can be. Oh boy, oh boy. How much fun is this going to be?? But I try to hide my ummm... shock? and look to see what Nathaniel is doing about it. He looks at her, goes to his desk, puts his head down and declares the day over. Oh dear, I think it is time for mommy to leave now :)

So now I head back up to the main office to talk to them about the application for free and reduced lunches. It seems that SSI and disability no long automatically qualify you for free lunches. It also seems that our darling Governor (can you hear the sarcasm??) has decided to change the income qualifications for free lunches. Oh yea, and he has cut my pay 23% since Jan 1, 2009 and dropped Nathaniel's disability benefits by over $300.00 per month since the first of the year too! But with all of this combined I make TOO much money for my kids to qualify for free lunches.... WHAT? Are you kidding me? I am dirt poor! And the thing that really gets me.... folks on food stamps, or that have their children in the foster care system or on CalWorks get free lunches. But because I WORK and TRY to provide for my family I don't qualify? Come on now! This is so ridiculous! I have a job, I pay my own mortgage, I am trying to hang tough in this impossible economy and I make too much money? So I should let my house go to foreclosure quit my jobs and live off Section 8 housing and food stamps to get some much needed help? Sure that makes sense. Also, if they get food stamps WHY do they need free lunches too?? Isn't our society ALREADY paying for their food??? Seriously would like to BEAT someone on this one.

Oh yea, and since they no longer qualify for free lunches they ALSO no longer qualify for free busing! Some days I just don't want to hear this crap!

Ok, I guess it's time to go to work. I get to the shop and Scooter is STILL freaking hyper, charging all over the place and barking like crazy. Play with me, play with me, play with me he seems to be saying. But I don't have time to play with him. I have a million and ten things to do today. Like remake that stupid dress that is defeating me. And fix the stupid computer monitor that won't turn on. And finish getting ready fro Saturday. And Nat has appointments all afternoon too. Such fun. Oh, brilliant idea! My parents are out of town!! I can just take Scooter over there and leave him in THEIR back yard for the day! No one is home there for him to bother :) Yes! So off Faline and I head to mom and dad's house with Scooter. But wait a minute... isn't that dad in the house? What is he doing here? They are out of town, they told me last night that they weren't coming home until tonight! So now comes the back pedaling and begging. Please can't Scooter stay here? He really isn't much trouble at all. (ummm... yea right!) Thank goodness my Father needs diversions and entertainment in his day! He did let Scooter stay there!

So on the way back to the shop I though I deserved a treat, so I stoped at my restaurant for a breakfast burrito. The sign in the widows says OPEN, but the door is locked. Bummer :( Guess I really didn't need to spend that $3.00, but still it sounded yummy! So we went to Carlock's instead. Now if you know anything about Los Osos, you know about Carlock's they are a fabulous bakery that makes super yummy treats and has nice people that work there. Well, actually that is the Carlock's of my youth. I am sad to say that they are just NOT the same business anymore, and every time I walk out of there I am just too bummed out. I miss the nice service, the reasonable prices (although I understand the need to raise them, I can still miss the lower ones) and honestly, the quality just isn't there anymore. So I got my breakfast. And a little disappointment too. But you can't win them all right?

So here I sit writing my blog, while my sewing machine is in a time out for miss behaving, and my latte machine is spitting espresso all over a load of laundry, and the bird is squawking about something, and I am looking at the dead computer monitor on the desk behind my laptop and I am wondering, is this day going to get any better??

Fun Night!

Wow!!! I am sooooo glad that is over, but I must say that I am so pleased too!! What you say? Well our business hosted a Chamber of Commerce Mixer tonight! I was tons of work, but I think it went really well and we had a great turn out! If you want to read about it from a business women's point of view you will have to check out the Butterfly Blog Here.... because on MY blog I get to writw about it from MY point of view!! :)

Faline and I have a tendancy to over cook for things like this and make way too much food, so I worked really hard to make sure that we had a good balance today. I felt like we did really well. Nice display, pretty spread, yet not too much, and stayed in a GREAT budget! I am actually REALLY proud of us for holding this whole shine dig, door prizes and all, to under $100! But the even better thing is that it LOOKED like we spent a lot :) we just did a great job of economizing!

Pretty hu? I thought so :)

And I thought that the store looked amazing too! It was very clean, well stocked and lots of bright and colorful things out! But also not too crowed or "stuffed" looking. It's really such a fine line between not enough on the shelves for people to brouse through and so much that it is too cluttered. I think, after almost four years of being open, that we are finally hitting a good mix on most days! Yeah us... it might take us a while to learn, but we are getting there :)

Nathaniel was a littel challenging, but what am I too expect right? But this was a good moment for him. He is watching the dancers with his Gramie Betsy. Yup, my MIL even made it for a while. That was nice, that she was there for something at MY business.

Of course we invited the Central Coast Dancers to perform ;) If you are going to have live entertainment why not make it your own kids?? Anyways, I love supporting our local dance studio and giving the kids opportunities to perform! This is Josie's group doing the number that she chereographed a while back. They have it down very well now :)

And this group is just too cute for words!! My littel Audrey is the youngest dancer that is performing with the company right now, but she is just so cute who couldn't love to watch her? This is actually a really fun group to watch mess around in the studio too, the boys are so great and really like helping the girls learn. They are such littel gentlemen!

Don't they look like they are having fun? And they are all together on this move!

And that girl is jsut too freaking cute!!!!

I love her to pieces :)

And see, Josie is even smiling tonight too!

I really like this new number that they are doing called Shake Rattle and Roll. Now if they would all remember their costumes for this number it wouldn't look like they were doing the same thing over and over again!

Aren't they good... look at how together they all are! And this was the somg that kept skipping on them, but they were right in time!

Ah... as a mommy I just couldn't resisit!!!

So they kids did great, we had a FABULOUS turn out, and I think people had lots of fun. It is always a ton of work to put on an event like this, but I think it was good exposure for the business! Now I get to take a few deep breaths tonight, and then hit the ground running in the morning to get ready for the big event we have planned this weekend! Yup, I know, I am CRAZY for planning two in one week, but what is a girl to do?? :)

On a more personal level, my grandfather, who you might remember has been very ill, had an important appointment today. I was bummed that I couldn't be there with him, but my mom was (hence no pictures of her at the mixer!). They talked his Doctor into trying him on a medication that he took back in 2001. It did really well for him when he was at home, but when he traveled to different altitudes he had bad reaction. Unfortunalty they are not able to travel far from home anymore, and they medication that he has been on has made his quality of life not so great recently. So the Doctor agreed to try the other medication again. I am happy because I want his days here on earth to be the best they can and he has been pretty miserable. So I am asking for prayer for wisdom, divine guidance and days worth the struggle for him. I love him so much and it isso hard to see him this ill. But if the Lord is going to bless us a little longer with him here on earth I don't wnat him to be miserable! If you are a praying soul won't you please add him to your prayer list? Thanks!!

Praying that each of you have a blessed day tomorrow! Until we talk agian,

Blessings!

Change: Good or Bad?

So here's the thing. There seem to have been a few changes going on in my life the last few days (or at least that touch my life) and I am not so sure about this much change! I am a person who like the status quo to be predictable.

First it's a new school year. So I should expect change right? Yes. I agree. But it's still challenging!

Nathaniel, by virtue of being in Special Day Class in the county that we live in, has had the same teacher for the last three years. Now I freely admit that he had outgrown that teacher and was ready to move up, but it's still been three years of routine that I now have to break! And he and I both have to learn a NEW routine! That is really challenging for him. Nathaniel is one who freaks when his schedule is changed AT ALL, even a little tiny bit. So we have been working very hard ALL DAY EVERYDAY to adjust to the new schedule. I start with him at 530 am when he gets his first dose of medication EVERYDAY. We talk about what we are going to do that day and I remind him he has a new teacher AND a new cathing aid AND a new bus driver.. that is a lot of new for him. Most days he tells me "I have to think on that" and curls back up to think and plan. This is a funny routine of his. He "turtles up" in his bed and tells himself his plans. It is very sweet to listen to. "Today is school. It will be a good school day. I have a new teacher, her name is Mrs C. I have to get cathed at school. My new cathing aid is Mrs J. I have to ride the bus home with Mrs. S. Then when I finish all of that I get to PLAY BALL. Remember, do that stuff, play ball, play ball, play ball." Some days it's quiet educational for me to listen to his day's plans... they don't always coordinate with mine so well!

Audrey also has a new teacher. And she doesn't like her teacher! Oh my, this one is hard because little Miss Audrey usually *LOVES* her teachers way too much! She still mobs her preschool teacher any time we see her. But she is not fond of Mrs. D and she lets it be know on a regular basis. Her new theory is that she is going to go into the class she wants to be in and see if anyone notices! Oh that child is creative. So everyday when she comes home and I ask her "What did you enjoy about school today?" she has a doosey of an answer. One day it was "Every minute I didn't have to spend with Mrs. D" Another day it was "Leaving so I was done with Mrs. D" and yet another she told me "I am going to ask Bri to help me make a count down calender so I know how many more days I have to put up with Mrs. D" Oh my! I keep trying to be encouraging and help her find things she like but it is a challenge! Today I didn't see her after school and I worked late so I really didn't see her till really late. When I went into her room to kiss her (she was asleep) she mumbled and asked me "Do you want to know what I enjoyed today?" I replied "Will I like this answer Audrey?" "No mommy, I enjoyed that we had a substitute teacher!" Wow, HOW MANY more days till summer???? Just kidding!

Now a new school year is a predictable change and I keep telling myself that it will settle out soon, so it's a change I am handling ok. But then there was this totally out of the blue, slam bam, change at church on Sunday and that one had me in a full blown panic attack! I mean come on now people... is a little warning too much to ask??

So here's what happened. Sunday was a bit of a tough day for me... as you cans see from the two posts I did that day... The kids and I headed to church, but we were running a few minutes late. Seriously, only a few minutes late! We walked into the church and I could hear the music.. not totally unusual. But the weird part was that I did not recognize the song. Now this is odd because I play all kinds of worship music all the time, I know A LOT of it. But I realised pretty quickly it was what I call "Old folk worship", in other words hymns. Now don't get me wrong, I like hymns well enough, but I like a little beat and rhythm too! But that wasn't the biggest problem. I walked into the sanctuary and ALL THE CHAIRS WERE MOVED!!! What the Hell??? I mean come on! Church is so hard for me anyways, I don't LIKE to be with strangers. I don't LIKE to sit in rooms full of people. I don't like people telling me where the children's ministry is and to take my kids there. (Don't I have the right to bring my kids to church and be WITH them? Is it such a bad thing for families to hear the messages TOGETHER? And didn't we used to all go to church TOGETHER as a FAMILY? I believe in having my children WITH me so that we can talk about the things that WE learn. Go ahead, call me weird. But DON'T tell me where the children's ministry is!) I am one of those people who like to sit in the same seat every week! The same ISLE seat :) But oh no! The powers that be decided to move all the chairs. And the worst part is that it went from 3 isles of 4 to 6 chairs each to 2 isles of 9 to 10 chairs each! Are you kidding me??? You took aways ISLE seats??? Come on! So I TRIED to be mature about it (even when I wanted to sit right down and throw a fit!) and find a seat. The only group of 3 seat together that I could find was way in the front in the middle of a row. Now what is with people who sit down and then leave two empty seats between the themselves and the people next to them? I know that I go to church with a bunch of old couples, but come on! A one seat buffer is just fine! Anyways, the kids and I wiggled in... for about 60 seconds! I seriously started hyper ventilating and went into a full blown panic attack. I know the old guy who let us in was like, "What???" when we turned around and left again! But I couldn't do it. We made it to the back of the sanctuary before I collapsed on the floor. The usher back there thought I was going to sit there for service, I don't think he got that I was going to pass out if I walked another step! So, being the nice guy that he was, he got the kids and I chairs to sit at the back. I got myself breathing again and decided that we could do that. So we sat in the WAY back and listened to service. It was ok, and I know that I am a bit.... special... when it comes to my quirks, but how hard would it have been to say "next week we are going to try something new with the chairs, just so you weird quirky people can get used to the idea!"?? Isn't it bad enough that we went to one service and are all packed in like sardines now? Now we have to sit in endless rows with a limited number of isle seats too? Good grief.. I think that is pushing it!

So that was my "No way, I don't want to even TRY it" change! Wanna hear about my good change?

Carla, AKA Masto Mama, is playing with my blog again! I loved the new font she used on her titles, so I begged her to put in on mine too :) And being the COMPLETE DOLL that she is, she did! And she changed the side bars a bit too... aren't they soft and pretty now? I like them. I have even heard a rumor that she is going to put the new picture of Audrey up and give me a signature. Isn't that fun? (And I don't have a clue what kind of signature I need.. hope she or you have some creative ideas!) That kind of creative fun change I am game for any day! That kind of change is fun :) And don't forget, there is a cool button on the sidebar.... if you want THE BEST EVER creative blog pretties make sure to go see Carla!! (and now if only she could tell me WHY this silly thing always crams my spacing together the first time it posts... so silly that I have to edit EVERY post because of the spacing! I am sure it's jsut me...)

So I HOPE that is all the changes we have for a while, because I am a bit changed out... but who knows what the Lord has in store for us right? Certainly NOT me :)

Blessings!

Taylor's Party!

When life gives you lemons....
turn it into lemonade!!

That is what the kids and I did today.
As my previous post stated, today is my daughter Taylor's birthday. I needed some reflection time, and the kids needed to feel part of what I was going through. They also needed their questions answered . So, at my delightful daughter's suggestion we had a birthday party for Taylor!

We went and got flowers. A tradition of mine. I always get flowers on her birthday and take half to her and keep half at home for me. It's just something I do... and today Trader Joe's had some of my favorites for really good prices! Thank you Lord for that blessing!

The kids wanted to "arrange" Taylor's flowers... it was very sweet how well they worked together to do that! For they are typical siblings, they don't always work well together!

Then we had a little tea party with the cake that Audrey so lovingly picked out for Taylor! It was very sweet too!

Then Nathaniel & Audrey talked to Taylor for a long time. It was cute, it was like they were catching her up on everything going on in our lives! I tried to explain to them that she could see everything we do, but still wanted to "tell" her :)

Audrey and I danced... practicing for when we dance before the Lord with Taylor!

And Audrey singing songs to Taylor.. she is just so darned dramatic!!

Then I just had some fun taking pictures of the two angels that live with me here! I love taking pictures of my children!

#1

And Audrey is such a ham too! She loves to have her pictures taken!

#2

Actually, you could help me out here. Do you like the first one or the second one better? I am torn, I like them both, but I have to choose just one for something... so vote. #1 or #2??

And finally, me and my darlings.

It was a sweet time and we had lots of fun while still honoring Taylor and her memory. I liked this party Audrey, you did well in planning it! :)

Blessings!

Taylor Ann Soares

Today my precious daughter is11 years old. We will celebrate her birthday today, yet my heart breaks in a million pieces that she is not with us as we celebrate. I firmly believe that the heaven where she is is beyond our imagination in glory, but my arms still feel empty. {I thought that I could write this post without tears, but I will tell you, even 11 years latter, the tears are ALREADY streaming down my face!!}

This morning as I awoke the similarities between 11 years ago and today are a bit unnerving! In 1998 the days fell the same as this year, we celebrated my baby brother's birthday on Friday (just like this year) and this was Labor Day weekend then too! And another similarity was that we were having a record heat wave that had everyone miserable.

I was REALLY miserable, 34 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am NOT a heat person anyways, but being pregnant made it all that much worse. I was FAT and SWOLLEN and MOODY beyond words! I felt wrong, and bugged the heck out of the on call doctor about it all day Saturday, but he kept telling me I was fine. Finally, I broke out the What to Expect When You Are Expecting book and did a little research. I did NOT like what I found. It seemed that my symptoms were that of pre eclampsia, which sounded BAD! But it looked easy enough to confirm... I just needed to take my blood pressure! So off we (my mom and I) headed to the local pharmacy to use one of those little machines. 230/190.... the pharmacists said that the machine must be broken because that was not possible, I should be having seizures with that blood pressure! Needless to say I was on my way to the hospital and I was entering my own version of Hell! The next 48 hours would be the WORST (to this day) of my life!

I found out late Saturday, September 5, 1998 that my precious child I was carrying no longer had a heart beat. I had the heartbreaking job of informing my husband of what had happened and the agony of still having to give birth. I prayed CONSTANTLY all night for the Lord to take me home to heaven WITH my daughter. I absolutely could not imagine the rest of my life without her. Obviously that is one prayer that the Lord did not answer in the fashion that I wanted. To this day, the only way that I get through each and every day without her is that ABSOLUTE promise of God that I WILL be reunited with her in Heaven!

Through the blessing of wonderful Pastoral care {my FOREVER thanks to Vince and Tom (yes, the one spelled that way)} and a supportive family, both church and real, I some how made it Thru that dark time and am here to talk about it today. And dark it was. So dark that it physically and emotionally hurts me to even remember that time. So instead I think about what God taught me during that time and since.

I have repeatedly heard it said, that which does not break us only serves to make us stronger. Well in this case that is true. Break I wanted to. Time and time again, through the months that followed I did NOT want to live, I just didn't have the energy to do anything about it. Seriously, I would wake every morning, find my way to the cemetery, and then spend ALL DAY laying on Taylor's grave crying or writing in my journal. Most of the entries in that journal are so tear stained that you can't even read them now! But time moved on, life kept going much to my displeasure, and God taught me hoe to live WITH the pain. In the process of healing, God revealed to my heart that one way I could use my pain would be to serve women and families going through their own version of my hell. For years I have been blessed to partner along side of people that God has placed in my life. This Hell is not one that I would invite ANYONE to join, not even my worst enemy, but for those that are in it I can be a light, a shoulder and a partner. I have been blessed beyond words to be there with these people.

Just this week God has put it on my heart that I have not been serving His people the way that I am called to since leaving Mountainbrook. I have not found a church to plug into and serve, and that is my calling in life. I need to talk to the pastor of the church where I am (and I have fear in my heart over doing that) or change churches (again) to one where I can serve. What a conflict in my heart this is, but by not moving on what the Lord has lead me to I am dishonoring Him and my daughter! This will be my birthday gift to her this year, to find a way to start serving in her memory again!

I have also read in the Bible that God will use ALL THINGS for His good. For a LONG time I questioned how he could use the death of an innocent babe for His good... But He taught me! When I again became pregnant (with MUCH fear in my heart) God used Taylor's death to save Nathaniel's life. It's true. It's complicated, but it's true. Had I not experienced the indescribable heartbreak and despair of loosing a child I know for a fact that I would not have FOUGHT at every turn for Nathaniel's life. His diagnosis would have terrified me and I would have given into the enemy, but I remembered Taylor at every turn and fought tooth and nail for Nathaniel. And I am so thankful that I did, even in the darkest and scariest times with him, at least I HAVE him. I can curl up and comfort him in my arms, I can call on the Lord to wrap BOTH of us in His embrace. I can only call on the Lord to hold Taylor dearly FOR me until I get there, unlike Nathaniel where we can hold him TOGETHER. Thank you Taylor (and Lord Jesus) for the gift of Nathaniel and Audrey!

Today, while I long to hold my darling daughter and celebrate with her, I will live this life, that the Lord is obviously not done with me in. I will embrace Nathaniel and Audrey, we will do something to honor and celebrate their sister Taylor, and we will wait on the Lord to see what is next. But I guarantee you that I will also be clinging to the promise that I WILL be reunited with Taylor in heaven.

While I sing praise and worship at church (and am so happy that Gary & Mark will be leading it today) I will be dreaming of the time that I WILL stand before my Lord with ALL THREE of my children and we WILL raise our voices in praise and worship TO him!! What a thought!

As I dance with Audrey I will be dreaming of the day that I will dance with BOTH of my daughters in a place so glorious that I can't even imagine it today! Oh, to think of it..

Taylor, your mommy MISSES you and is so excited to see you again! Please, enjoy the Lord's company until we are all together again! And I know that the Lord has a special place for all of you babes ripped from their mommies arms way too soon... all of you together can draw strength that your mommies will be with you sometime! Today your brother and sister and I will be thinking of you lots, and will do something special just for you.... what would you like? Place just the right thing on my heart this morning for you my dear one!

And, for those of you who made it through my rambling, crying words... I leave you with the song that gets me through EVERYTHING. In EVERY need I have I always turn on this song and worship my Lord!

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Doesn't that just cover everything? I have found in my life it does! There is never a situation that that song doesn't cover!

Blessings!