Happy Birthday Princess Audrey!

Saturday was my Princess Audrey's Seventh Birthday!

I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that my BABY is 7 years old already! I just don't understand how time can fly away like that. They are growing up in the blink of an eye!

Audrey was my surprise child, my gift from God. After two high risk pregnancies I NEVER thought I would have another child, but God had different plans. Although my pregnancy with her was far from easy, another high risk one to be exact, I could not be happier that she is part of out family. Many days Audrey is the one that reminds me how people were created to be.

I mean, don't get me wrong, she is in a TOTAL Diva stage where there is tons of drama, tears, demanding her way and just plain annoying behavior. And she is growing more independent and free thinking by the minute, but under it all is the Princess I love!

I love her empathetic heart. She has empathy for all things and all people. Animals she sees, people she has never met but knows are hurting, even papers that most would see as garbage Audrey likes to save and find uses for! Every time I see a glimpse of the empathy and caring in Audrey's heart I believe I am seeing small glimpse of how God's heart is.

Audrey is passionate too. She loves to preform, especially dancing and singing right now. But really anything that makes people smile. One of the things that touches my heart is that she sings me a love song almost everyday. It is the sweetest sound to this mommies ears!

Another special things about Audrey is how much she loves God! Her heart is so filled with love and devotion to the Lord above, even at such a young age. I look forward to seeing how He uses her life, her passion and her heart as she grows up.

Audrey is TOTALLY creative and individual in her fashion sense too! I adore watching the outfits this child will come up with for herself. It is so cute, and she is so opinionated about it all! Reminds me of someone else I once knew....

Here is my Princess with her favorite princess....

One of the new things I am noticing about Audrey? Her passion for the beach! And I love it, because the beach is my special grounding place. It's where I go when I need to feel God most of all. It was my sanctuary during many of life's storms in years past. And that Audrey and I share that passion makes me smile.

Audrey is the happiness of my heart and makes this mommy so glad. I love her so much and want to wish her a

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I love you Princess Audrey!

and the preparations continue...

Birthday parties..... they are so much fun (or so I am told..) but man alive are they A LOT of work!

Remember the cookies we made last night?

Well it was time to frost them and decorate them tonight.

WHAT possessed me to do this?? I am NOT sure... but a bottle of wine between the two of us sure helped a lot.

They are not as perfect as the picture I am modeling this all after, but they are cute and colorful and YUMMY!

Next up cupcakes. I gave Lorena the cookbooks and told her to pick something that looked good and that I had the stuff to make. After many choices and much discussion we chose Carrot Cake because 1) I had everything for it and 2) Carrots grow in the garden and it's a garden blooms party. So Lorena looks at the recipe and says "serving size 12, we need more than 12 cupcakes right?" Ummm, yea. So we decided to double the recipe. Now I am working on something at the time and only half way paying attention, but I remember that we decided to double the recipe.

Fast forward an hour and I am starting to mix up the cake batter.
4 cups of flour
2 cups of sugar
8 eggs
2 cups of oil
batter overflowing mixing bowl

WHAT THE HECK????

I look back at the recipe... it is for CAKE not cupcakes!

Man do we get the giggles BAD....
There is SO MUCH cake batter!!!

Note to self... double check what Lorena is reading next time :)

Getting Ready for a PARTY! And some DEEP reflection too...

Believe it or not it's that time around here again....

Birthday party time!!!

After MUCH discussion it was decided that Audrey could have a SMALL birthday party. After all we did just get back from Disneyland not too long ago, and things are TIGHT around here. So we thought and thought on a theme that mommy could pull of for little money and would still appeal to my drama, princess, diva type girly girl. And we came up with a Garden Blooms party.

I am excited because we can have it at the house, in the backyard (please Lord let it not rain!) and I think I can do it for pretty inexpensive! Invitations are case in point... I did ALL of the invitations for less than $5.00 TOTAL, and I think that they came out cute too! The pictures don't really show it but they are three dimensional, those are silk flowers attached to the invitations.

Last night after work Lorena and I started on some of the other things that needed done. While the cookie dough was in the fridge chilling we started on the "Happy Birthday" banner.

I did buy the stacker book for the solid colored paper, but everything else came out of my stash! AND I used a 40% off coupon on the book, so it wasn't too bad.

We got all of the papers cut and layered, and the letters drawn, cut and placed. Now I just have to tie it together, but I left the ribbon at the shop last night so I haven't done that yet.

Then we got busy with the time consuming part. Making the sour cream cookies. I know it seems like a lot of work, and it is, but I saw this TOTALLY cute picture in a magazine that I want to try to copy. So Lorena so nobly volunteered to help me try and make it happen. These sugar cookies are the first step.

I think that they came out darling, and look forward to decorating them tonight!

The one bummer of the night was that we had full and complete melt down from Nathaniel again about putting his diaper and nightshirt on. Over an hour of "We can discuss that once your diaper is on" and "Naked children stay in the bathroom until they are dressed" and "Do not hurt my body because you are angry" paired with banging on the door, screaming, yelling, kicking, biting and other things I can't remember, before he FINALLY put his diaper on. And you know what? When the diaper finally got on I gave up on the nightshirt! At that point all I cared about was the diaper. And darling Lorena? She kept rolling out, cutting out and baking cookies right through it all. What a friend! And we wonder why I am so depressed and exhausted all the time?

This morning was no better than yesterday. He refused to get dressed, refused to cooperate and generally made a major pill of himself. I even talked to him about his friend Blake, bribed him with TV AND a trip to the bakery. Nothing worked. He rode to school in a diaper and braces, and got dresses while I took his sister in. I thank the Lord for a fabulous school support staff. And I am proud of myself that I didn't cry so much today (of course that could have been because I was on the phone getting relieving information while my child got dressed in the parking lot, but He works all things together, right?)

So here I sit, wondering if I have the strength to face this day. My mind is a mumble jumble of information and I am trying to work through it all.

One thing that lays heavy on my heart is that the love of my life is struggling and I am helpless to do much of anything to help. Oh I pray, A LOT. And I offer what I can, but my life is in such a disarray that I don't have much to offer. And I sit here and watch someone who I love so deeply struggle. I wish I had a magic wand to grant them the desires of their heart, because they deserve it, but I don't have that power. And there is pride, old wounds and self sufficiency all caught up in it, but what I wouldn't do to be able to heal some of those wounds and provide for this person. It is humbling that all I can do is reach out, give a hug, offer my everything and sit back and watch. For a get it done person like me that is humbling and HARD!

Another thing weighing heavily on my heart is all of the up in the airiness about life right now. I am at a place that I am THANKFUL that God is clearing toxic people out of my life, but at the same time I am wondering if my life really can remain here on the central coast. And as much as it terrifies me to say it, I feel a STRONG leading that the answer is NO! I am at peace with that, but it's still really scary to think of all that it will take to move the kids and my life somewhere else. Alone. I LOVE this area. I LOVE my business. And I LOVE this community that we have such strong ties to. But I feel that there are many toxins here for us to. I am on my knees seeking God's will in all of that and His timing too. I know that there is much to tie up here, but I feel STRONGLY that once He helps me tie those things up that He has a new path and a fresh start for us. Confusing and overwhelming, but the things He is stirring my heart with.

In the middle of writing this much has happened this morning. I just got a call out of the blue from a DEAR friend whom I haven't spoken to in a LONG time. A friend I have OFTEN wanted to reconnect with, but for many reasons have not been able to. In the course of he short conversation that we just had she confessed to me that one of the reasons she has held back is one of the toxic people that was in my life (and amazingly it wasn't Mark!). Wow. I was floored when she said that, and am now hopeful that perhaps we CAN reconnect and I can have another healthy friend! Amazing timing Lord, that she would call in the middle of me reflection and writing about these very things. Isn't He amazing?

It's time to go to work now... like right NOW. Man I hope I have a second to sneak in a quick shower.... Have a great day!!

somedays Spina Bifida SUCKS!!!

You know, I am usually good with my lot in life. I am good on the path that God gave me to walk. But then there are some days when I just want to stand up and SCREAM "Spina Bifida SUCKS!!!" "Pornography SUCKS!!!" "The abuse dished out in this world can SUCK!!!" There are days that I want to DEMAND to know WHY things are so hard.... And then I get over myself, I get back on God's path and I put a song back in my heart.

This past week or so has been my funk time. Like MAJOR funk time. I am so tired of talking to people who just don't GET my son. People who insist in standing in judgement, but are absolutely clueless. I am tired of the attacks that I feel like are coming from every side. (I know it is the enemy trying to beat me down, but it is still EXHAUSTING!) I am tired of being so tired that I get frustrated with those close to me that I love and I know are just there trying to help. And man alive am I TIRED of being so insecure! So, yea, I have been in a MAJOR FUNK. God bless those near and dear that have had to put up with me! (But thank God for them too... without J & D I would be so lost right now!)

So this morning was a Nathaniel funk morning. A funk that certain people are saying is MY FAULT, and I should not encourage. I simply wanted to sit right down and weep. But I didn't. Or at least not until he was dealt with and I was alone! I just need to unload, and see if ANYONE gets it... anyone at all?

One of Nathaniel's deals in major defiance. He doesn't want to do something he just closes down shop. Sit. Sulk. Pout. Not a word. Silent treatment. Then yell. Kick. Hit. Defy. And it jumps back and forth. Really hard to keep up with.

So this morning Nathaniel did not want to get dressed and ready for school. Pretty normal in our house. In the past I have just dressed him in a no nonsense matter, but it has been decided that I am no longer to dress him, that he is old enough to do it himself. So we sit there.

"Nathaniel, it's time for school. Time to get dressed now."

Sit. Pout. Sulk. Refuse.

"Nathaniel. It's time now, let's get dressed."

"NO! You are WRONG! I am NOT going to school. Done!" All the while shacking his fist, hitting, kicking and yelling.

Back and forth. On and on. All the while I am trying to stay calm, cool and collected. Get his sister ready for school and not cry.

Last week this was going on, so I took his sister to school and talked to the principal. I LOVE our principal! He said bring him here in what he is in, I will help deal with it. So this morning I put Nathaniel's brace and shoes on (it's a safety thing, he has to have them on to walk) and took him to school. In his diaper and nightshirt. He sat in the car while I took sister in with his clothes on his lap. Just sitting there. Mr J is amazing. He came out talked to Nathaniel and told him you either get dressed NOW, by yourself, or we walk across the parking lot to the nurses office where you can get dressed, but remember your friends are watching. 15 minutes latter, a few shouts and curses and lots of glaring at me from Nathaniel and Nathaniel got out of the car fully dressed.

Good grief. Does it REALLY have to be this hard? I mean come on. But I kept my cool. I didn't raise my voice AT ALL. AND I got my way. I showed Nathaniel that mommy is JUST as strong willed as he is! But here's the thing, I was SO TIRED from just getting him to school that when it was all done I sat down in the car and wept. Just wept my eyes out that it is so hard to just get him to school dressed! Just wept that somehow he thinks it's ok to treat people like that. Just wept at the uphill battle I have in teaching him how to behave in society. I hope he will remember this morning for the next few and it goes better. I don't want to be known as the mom who sits in front of the school and cries every morning!

And here is the thing... these are just two tiny examples. This is my life EVERY MINUTE. Over and over again. Defiance after defiance. Just take this morning and multiply it times at least 30 times per day!

On the up side, we have been having a HARD time with homework. This new respite schedule is NOT working out. The providers are NOT getting homework done when he is fresh and more able to do it so we have been having to do homework latter when he is more tired. And this is supposed to help me out HOW? So today I told him that if he got his homework done in the 30 minutes between bus and respite that he could have a treat. He TOTALLY powered it out! He did it all AND cathed himself in less than a half an hour!! Praise the Lord for bribery!! But seriously, I am so looking forward to going home and NOT having to do homework with him tonight!!

I am so excied to be launching a WHOLE NEW look for my business blog... head on over and check it out. And there is a great giveaway going on there too!!!