Monday, September 5, 2011

Missing Taylor

You know when they tell you time heals all things?

Well, they LIE!

13 years ago I headed into the Labor Day weekend with plans of relaxation, getting a few things done, and celebrating my brother's birthday. Little did I know that I would NEVER feel that carefree about Labor Day weekend again. I just can't. Even if I am consciously thinking about it, I just get the blues that I can't shake this time of year.

You see, 13 years ago the Friday of this weekend was the 4th, my baby brother's birthday. We all hung out together at my parents house. I was hot, tired and my feet hurt but I just wrote it off as being 36 weeks pregnant. After all I had just been to see the doctor on Wednesday and the the baby and I were both fine. So it was just the silly heat wave we were having and third trimester yuckies I was feeling. We had a nice time celebrating Grady, but I never could shake the yuckies, so I headed home to rest.

The next day I couldn't sake the feeling that something was wrong. I even called the on call OB twice about how I was feeling and the fact that my feet were so swollen that I couldn't get shoes on. I was told it was the heat and to rest. Finally mid afternoon I got my handy "What to Expect When You are Expecting" book out and tried to problem solve. The only thing that I could find that explained how I was feeling was under the section for
Preeclampsia, all of the symptoms matched up except for the high blood pressure. At my appointment a few days before my blood pressure had been fine.
 Finally, I couldn't shake the feeling any more and I remembered that our local grocery store had one of those machines that took you BP for you, so I had my mom take me down to the store. The first time I let the machine take my BP, I thought the machine was broken. I asked the pharmacist to come over, and when the machine took my BP a second time the pharmacist said he was going to go call an ambulance. I assured him that my mom was in the parking lot and we would go straight to the hospital. My BP at that time was 240/190. I was latter told that I should have been having seizures at that point.
The next few hours were straight out of the worst horror film ever made, and they play over and over in my mind, but I am going to spare you the horrid details! By 9pm Saturday September 5th, 1998 I was given the news that NO mother ever wants to hear. My precious child had died while I still carried her. I was 36 weeks pregnant, she was totally viable to life, yet she had no heart beat. The worst nightmare of my life had just begun.
The next 24 hours were touch and go for me. Many times I just didn't even have the will to go on, the vicious disease of Eclampsia was trying to take my life and I just didn't care. If my precious child couldn't see this earth, then I didn't want to be here either. Honestly, only the trained medical professionals and the prayer warriors covering us in prayer that kept me alive, because I just did not care. But they did and God had plans for me, so here I am.
At 9:57 am on September 6, 1998 Taylor Ann Soares was born. There were no cries as she entered this world and took her first breath. She would never take that breath. There was no joy or smiles as she was born, only heart wrenching weeping and sorrow beyond words. She was beautiful. She was precious. She was already at home in Jesus's arms and she took a HUGE chunk of my heart with her.
Tomorrow is my precious daughter's 13th birthday, and the pain is still so acute. I still feel like a piece of my heart is missing. My frustration with the Lord for taking her is still there some days. And I still weep for her often. Actually, I am sort of amazed that my keyboard is even working right now with as many tears dripping on it as there is!
Seldom a day goes by that I don't think of Taylor, never a family moment escapes that I don't wonder where she would fit into our family. Would she be hyper and love kids like Bri? Would she be a diva and love to dance like Josie and Audrey? Would she be a charismatic social sports freak like Nathaniel?   Would she love to sing like all of them? Would she have the tender heart for Jesus like Audrey? I constantly wonder how she would fit in with all of the kids. And I am sure that it doesn't help that there is that nice gap right between Josie and Nathaniel that is all Taylor's...
Just last week I was reading an amazing book (it's a really easy read and I suggest it for EVERYONE!) called Heaven is for Real . It is a story of a three year old that really touched my heart. In one part of the story the little boy is talking to his mom about a child she miscarried. The little boy tells his mom about seeing his sister in heaven and playing with her. I just cried and cried through this part. I KNOW that some day, I will dance in the streets of heaven with BOTH of my daughters AND with my son, who will no longer be limited by Spina Bifida. I KNOW this in my heart, but reading in from the words of a three year old? It filled me with hope, and a deeper yearning to be in heaven NOW. There are just those moments that I want my children together in glory NOW. But, as hard as it is, I will wait on the Lord and his perfect timing.
I am sure I have rambled on enough for now but I just wanted to share...
To share the pain and grief in my heart.
To share why I have tears running down my face a lot recently.
And to share why I have been buried in my bed for the last few days.
For my heart is broken, and I am grieving..... Still.
And if someone tells you the pain goes away.... don't believe them!


Sarah Hull said...

Oh Gretchen, my heart is so heavy for you right now as I read this. I am so sorry. I pray that you can have some comfort and peace today as you remember your sweet angel Taylor who looks down upon you each day. Sending so much love you way. xo

Cassie said...

Gretchen, I am so sorry that you lost your precious Taylor. I tried to imagine what a loss like that would feel like and I truly can't wrap my brain around it. Unbearable comes to mind. Sending you much love and hugs as you remember your sweet Taylor.

Jamie said...

Oh, gretchen, I am so so sorry. I am in tears right now. I know the fact that you will reunite with your amazing little girl doesn't take away the pain that you feel during this time on earth. I will say a special prayer for you today!