Tonight is one of those nights...
The ones when I have to immerse myself in the Lord or I will go CRAZY with worry, anxiety and mind games.
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
Nathaniel has been undergoing some very intensive neurological testing the last few weeks.
This has been a difficult place for me to get to. It started long ago, but it came to head for me almost a year ago after having some very heart searching conversations with a close personal friend. After talking to him I REALLY started seeking out answers. And the more answers we get, the more questions there are. So it has come down to some major in depth testing, of which I get the first (and to me most intense) results tomorrow. (And man am I wishing that I could take that friend of mine with me to this appointment, but it is not in the cards!)
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.
The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
I KNOW that God has a plan.
And when I am completely focused on Him, then I am fine.
But then I have to blink, or breathe, or someone calls my name, and I loose my focus and then I become TERRIFIED!
I mean, isn't our plate full enough? The Lord really couldn't give me anything else could He? And then I think of all of those that carry burdens so much more than I do, and I know that is cold get worse. But I am just not sure that I am strong enough for one more thing!
And yes, I DO know Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.) VERY well, but still......
So, I have been on the edge of this steep cliff all day today.
I have this appointment at 8 am tomorrow morning, and I don't know what it holds for me.
I am terrified of going.
I am weary of going alone, for I am tired of feeling so alone in this world.
And I just have this gut feeling that whatever is said there tomorrow is going to rock my world....
So for now I am blasting my worship music, curled up with my bible next to me, and ready to try and sleep...
but I know tomorrow is coming, and there is no stopping whatever will happen.
So I am going to put on my big girl pants,
tuck away the tears,
clothe myself in the armor of God,
and walk forward in this journey.
But if you think of me, or my sweet boy tomorrow, won't you please say a prayer for this situation?