Friday, January 21, 2011

A night of funks...

Yesterday was a trying one for me....
I was emotional, and tired, and overwhelmed, and just a tad lost in feelings of hopelessness (hear the sarcasm in the tad part??).

So OF COURSE that meant it was time for a trip to my favorite spot in the world!

And I remembered one of the reason I LOVE winter on the Central Coast....
The AMAZING colors God paints our skies this time of year!

So I raced on the beach with my children.

You know the son who was never supposed to walk? Yes, that one and his sister and I raced, on our FEET on the beach.

One of the things that has really been on my heart is false words and how they form us.

I was formed as a child by false, abusive words about my worth as an individual. It is still a fight in my heart daily to remember that my worth is not determined by the people who surround me here on earth, or any of their words, but my worth comes from my Father in Heaven, who made me with a purpose!

But other words form us too. And for many heavy on my heart, words of doctors count heavily in what we do and who me are. I am blessed to know (via wonderful blogs) MANY moms that had to strength, the faith and the supports to throw off words of doctors and believe in a bigger plan. But then I think of other expecting moms who don't know that there is so much more hope than the doctors give,  they don't have the strength or the faith, or maybe they don't even know where to look for the hope, and my heart breaks for them, the choices they face and the burdens they carry for so long. One of the things I am praying about daily right now is for doctors to SEE that EVERY unborn child is a gift, and God has a perfect plan for each and every one of them, then for the doctors to use their words to encourage, educate and give hope. (and please, I do know that there are some fabulous doctors out there that do just that right now, I am praying for all the others that don't :) )

At the beach we skipped rocks, talked about life and spoke to God.

One of the things I do is talk to God A LOT. So much so that I am sure He gets tired of my voice at times. But it is what gets me through the minutes, the hours and the days. I am trying so hard to not only model this for my children, but teach them too. Especially my little worry bug who always seems to be worried about something.

And I have a lot to talk to God about last night.

About a husband who is so lost in this world, and lets the enemy run his life. It breaks my heart, because no matter what he will always be my children's father and I would so like them to have a stronger, more balanced father than I did. But I absolutely know that I have no control or say in his choices. I just have to let go of it and hold it up to God.

About living in a society that just makes me tired with it's judgements, it's lack of relationships, it's sense of entitlement, it's every man is an island beliefs and so much more. My heart breaks daily for the direction our society here in the states is going. It is so sad, and I really, deeply believe that there is so much more to be had by being supportive, loving, giving and accepting. It is not that I believe in government controlled socialism, or dictated sharing, but more that each person would have a heart to better all, not just one's self. Oy vey, I just get tired thinking about it, but in my heart I know that there is a better way!

About the overwhelming job of being a single mom. I mean seriously, how do people do this? I am so tired every minute. I feel like my tank sits on empty as I try to be the best example, teacher, caretaker, house keeper, accountant, cook and so much more that I can for my children. How can I do all that I know I need to when I feel so lost, and lonely and just blah? How do others do it? I am sure someone has to have it down better than I do!

And there is so much more that I poured out to God, but I am sure you don't want to know it all. :)

I also spent a lot of time watching this little boy. He has been through so much recently, and therefore we all have been through so much, but I am amazed and humbled with how well he is doing. And heartbroken that I didn't know to make changes for him sooner. But that is a whole nother post all by itself (and I am working on it, but I am still praying over the words I use, for I only want them to share our story and give hope, not point fingers, condemn, judge, lay blame or hurt.So be on the watch out for the Nat update.)

Going to my place was the perfect choice.
I was able to breathe the rest of the night.
I was able to let go of much and give it back to God where it belongs.
And I was able to teach by showing how I deal with especially stressful days.

And I was blessed by the beautiful area I live!

What do you do on THOSE days? The ones that steal your joy and sap your energy? What do you do to get re grounded?


Amanda said...

I wish I had such a beautiful place to get myself grounded! I think I try to imagine a place like yours when I feel lost!
Sometimes it is so hard to regroup. Beautiful surroundings and family are a great way to start, and time away from life's hussles to have those private conversations.