Easter

I wish I could say I had a happy day, as these pictures seem to indicate, but the truth is I had a really rough day. I spent most of it hiding my tears from the kids. I am stressed out, depressed and really upset. I just can't stop crying from everything that is going on.

We took Nathaniel to Spina Bifida clinic on Friday and things did NOT go well. I am still trying to process it all without bawling my eyes out! As soon as I get a little more stable I will share....

I have to move.. soon. I am really upset about it, and having a REALLY hard time finding someone who will rent to me. Owning my own business, having a disabled child, having a dog as a member or our family and being a single mom does not seem to be an equation that many rental owners like. I found a wonderful little place again last week and applied for it.. I should find out tomorrow and I am just praying so hard that we get it. I need this piece dealt with in my mind.

I had to start yet ANOTHER job to pay the bills and I HATE IT. I will do it because that is what it takes to meet my families needs, but I hate it so much. I feel so wrong there. I hate that it takes away from my time with my children. I hate that the people there treat me poorly. I just hate it all around!

I am so lonely. It seems silly because I have friends, but I am just lonely. I had been talking to a dear friend A LOT, and it helped, but that friend is no longer available to me. I miss it.... and I miss having someone I trust my heart with. I am so tired of being hurt that it is hard to trust new friends and old friends are moving on in their lives.

And I am so tired of people shoving other who hurt me down my throat. It took A LOT to stand up to my abusive husband and to go to court to have him taken out of our life. WHY do some people insist and shoving him and his family back down my throat? Why should anyone dictate that he is part of our lives just because he is the father of my children. He has done nothing but hurt us for years, it is time to get away form the toxins in our life and TRY to build something healthy!! Who has a right to insist he is back in our life? (well obviously they think they do, but it makes me wonder why I even bothered to get away from him in the first place. Doesn't anyone get how much he hurts us??? There is a reason it's called Domestic VIOLENCE.... because it HURTS!!!)

Okay I am going to stop now, but as you can see my heart is breaking and I am shedding way too many tears. I am ready for something good in our life....

Trying to maintain normal!

With all the chaos in our lives I am working very hard to try an maintain some sort of normal for the kids and I!

So tonight. after Audrey and I packed a few boxes, we headed over to Grammies house to color Easter Eggs.

Yes, I know eggs have nothing to do wit Easter in reality, but honestly this is one of the ONLY traditions I remember my mom participating in growing up. There was a great deal that she would not do with us, but dying Easter eggs was always her thing!

As you can see she and Audrey were very serious about this project.

And Audrey was very serious about getting the "perfect colors".

Personally I just like all the pretty eggs when you are done :)

See.... Aren't they pretty?

While Audrey and mom dyed the eggs I put together the plastic ones. Filled them all up with pencil top erasers, bubbles, stickers and pennies!

And I put together some small presents for Nat and Audrey. I am pretty impressed with all that we did and the fact that I spent less than $20.00 on all of it! Nothing like holiday traditions on shoestring budgets!

I am looking forward to taking Audrey to Easter service at church, then seeing all FOUR kids together for the first time in months! What a blessing that will be.

a gift from the heart...

Not long ago a dear friend of mine came to hang out with me and my family for a spell. It was a great blessing to my heart to reconnect with him, and an even bigger blessing to be able to open my home to him in a time of his need. During this time we shared many memories of our yester-years. The story I am about to share grew out of one of those yester-year memories.

When we were together MANY years ago my friend's mother and I did exactly get along. I loved this person dearly, but the gap between the two women in his life was always hard on all of us. One day he asked me to make his mother a quilt. Now I love to quilt, I love him and at that time I really wanted to love this woman too, so of course I agreed. We headed off to a fabric store where this friend specially selected each fabric that would be used in the quilt. He is an amazing artist and had a great eye for color along with a special place in his heart for what his mother would like. It was a great joy to select everything with him and I greatly looked forward to jumping into this project.

Now if you know anything about quilting then you know that sometimes projects take on a life of their own, and this one sure did! I jumped right in and started piecing a quilt top, but then life happened. This friend and I went through a tough time and went our separate ways. The quilt project got bagged up and stuffed into storage because it hurt my heart to see it. So much hope of healing went into it for me in the beginning that I couldn't look at it without crying in the end.

Years latter I found it when we moved into the house I am currently living in. I saw it and thought of the pain of that lost hope of healing, but I also though of the love that went into it, the fun that we had together creating it and the hope that was diverted. Being ever practical, I also thought of the great expense that went into it and what a loss it was stuffed away in storage. I decided to finish the quilt and let my son use it. I got it out and started working away on it again. But once again life diverted the plans. I got pregnant unexpectedly with Audrey and ended up on bed rest with a little boy who needed lots from his mommy that I could no longer provide. Let me tell you, bed rest with a two year old son with Spina Bifida is interesting!! Needless to say, the quilt once again got put away. Throughout the years I have pulled this project out time and time again, only to end up putting it back away unfinished.

Now, here we are in 2010. My friend and I have become friends again. Life throws us both a bunch of curve balls and I end up separated from my abusive husband at the same time that this friend is having life issues of his own. He heads down to visit me and ends up helping me out so much around the house in his time here. He will never know how much he taught me in those months he was here or what a blessing he is to my life (ahh... but I am getting off track.. sorry!). So one day, as I am packing to move out from this house, I find the quilt in the garage. Time has not been nice to the unfinished project. Neither had nature. I set the whole thing out by the garbage can and counted it all as lost. My friend sees it and to my surprise remembers it! We shared a memory or two over it, then both moved on.

But God wasn't done with that project, or my heart.

He kept nudging me to finish it for my friends mother. God an I had a few interesting conversations about this quilt.

God: Finish it and send it to her.

Me: But God it is ruined. It is gross. No way. It's trash.

God: Is it a complete loss? Seldom are things a complete loss....

Me: But it's gross!!!

God: So are your sins, but I have washed you clean.

Oh my. How do I argue with that one? I don't. Now way.

So out I went to the pile next to the trash can to take a closer look. And sure enough, God was right. It was not a total loss. There were parts that were destroyed, but there were other parts that were still perfectly fine. The quilt was no longer a quilt, but it would make a beautiful table runner or two.....

Just like so many things in life, it started out as one thing, was molded and changed over time, and still God brought something beautiful out of it!

So this UFP (Un Finish project) is no longer unfinished!

Just recently I finished a table runner for my friends mom, made a beautiful handmade card and poured out the story to her and sent off her present... some 15+ years late, but I still hope it brought happiness to her heart! I know it made me feel good to complete it and bless her with it!

And on a purely selfish note... I have a matching one so I can remember the lesson God taught me through this UFP!!!

So many times we start out with a plan or an agenda and life and God take it and turn it around and around until we can no longer stand it, and just in that moment of complete surrender He dose something beautiful with what we started. God is just amazing that way!

Holland this week!

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley©
©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley.
All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability
to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it,
to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby,
it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.
You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans.
The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice.
You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.
You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands.
The stewardess comes in and says,"Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!
I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.
"But there's been a change in the flight plan.
They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting,
filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books.And you must learn
a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people
you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy,
less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while
and you catch your breath, you look around....
and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland
has tulips.Holland even has Rembrandt's.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...
and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time
they had there. And for the rest of your life,
you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go.
That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will
never, ever, ever, ever go away...
because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact
that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free
to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ...about Holland.

Yes.... I live in Holland.
I have for the last 9.5 years.
And I am having a hard time with it today!!!

Most days it's fine, most days I am happy to do the bidding that the Lord has given me. Most days I can say strongly and proudly, "I am the mom of a special child, and that is just who we are!"

But right now?

Right now I am so tired of struggling against people who don't understand my son.

Right now I am so tired of the blame, that somehow it is all my fault that he is how he is (and yes, I am getting a LOT of that recently from ignorant people).

Right now I want to scream "Welcome to MY world!!" to all of those who are having a difficult time with my son.

Right now I am tired and would love a trip to Italy, or England, or Australia, or Thailand, or New Zealand.... anywhere but Holland!

I know my peace will come back, that this is just a time of trail and transition, but seriously... so tired today!

And why you ask... why today are you tired?

It's been a rough few months, but it seems to be getting rougher and rougher. I am ready for this trial to be over and to start building health again, at least the kind of health that Holland has. But I don't get to control that timing, I just have to ride the current of people who have never read a single book on Holland! And that ignorance is more frustrating than ANYTHING. I am smart. I am educated. I know all about our Holland. But I am not being heard or respected and that hurts.

This morning Nathaniel had a HUGE rage over, of all things, brushing his teeth. Now part of my world with Nathaniel is STRICT ROUTINE. He has to have things in the same order day after day. But while he has been staying at my parent's that has not been happening. This morning I went to get him ready for the day (which had already started poorly with him and my mom) and I knew he has been sick. Now I am a little odd myself when it comes to brushing teeth, and especially when I am sick. I like to brush my teeth three times a day on a normal day, but when i am sick it's more like 5 or 6 times a day.... something about yucky germs in my mouth making me feel yuckier... weird, I know. So anyways, this morning I grabbed Nat's toothbrush and went to brush teeth with him. He went into a HUGE rage, so much so that I set the toothbrush down and said we would try again in 5 minutes when we were all in better moods. Nat STORMED off into the other room, and I just let him go to cool down. Just 2 or 3 minutes latter he was screaming that his teeth were falling out. Sure enough, when I went in there, he had tantrumed to the point that he knocked out one of his molars! Some days I just don't know what to do with this boy! So we are off to the dentist soon to see if it was a baby tooth or a permanent one.... praying for baby!

Things are a little better right now... but I am walking on egg shells in Holland today... wanna join me????

as promised.....

In my last post I told you that my computer ate my sunrise pictures :( It's true.... silly computer was hungry! SO this morning, in the midst of the chaos that was my morning, I attempted to take more for you. Unfortunately, with the time change and all, the sunrise wasn't as strong as usual during my devotional time, but it's still pretty :) And I love watching it through the dark trees and power lines.

My devotional reading this morning also really spoke to my heart and drove home a point that I have been turning over and over in my mind. The devotional was discussing Communication Principles, and one of the points was the The Principle of physical touch. This is what the devotional had to say: This is hard to apply once an argument has started. So when you know you're about to embark on a touchy subject you may find it beneficial to hold hands or sit close so you naturally touch. Ever notice it's hard to fight with someone when you're making physical contact?

Interestingly, I have just experienced an extended time of close confidence and sharing with a dear friend. This friend and I could talk about so many hard subjects in my life, and he didn't hold much back, but I always felt safe during these talks. Reflecting on why I came to the realization that even if I was feeling overwhelmed or depressed about what we were talking about I knew and could feel his friendship, and that was usually because he was touching me somehow! A hug, a squeeze of the hand, a hand resting on my shoulder as he delivered a blow. So me, especially since one of my very strong love languages is physical touch. Now compare that with my husband who never touched me at all.... hmmm.... no wonder I felt safe with one and not the other!

And that drives home another fact that has been nagging the back of my mind.... I miss my friend!!!! I hope he is somewhere happy, because I miss him!!! :)