Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter















I wish I could say I had a happy day, as these pictures seem to indicate, but the truth is I had a really rough day. I spent most of it hiding my tears from the kids. I am stressed out, depressed and really upset. I just can't stop crying from everything that is going on.

We took Nathaniel to Spina Bifida clinic on Friday and things did NOT go well. I am still trying to process it all without bawling my eyes out! As soon as I get a little more stable I will share....
I have to move.. soon. I am really upset about it, and having a REALLY hard time finding someone who will rent to me. Owning my own business, having a disabled child, having a dog as a member or our family and being a single mom does not seem to be an equation that many rental owners like. I found a wonderful little place again last week and applied for it.. I should find out tomorrow and I am just praying so hard that we get it. I need this piece dealt with in my mind.
I had to start yet ANOTHER job to pay the bills and I HATE IT. I will do it because that is what it takes to meet my families needs, but I hate it so much. I feel so wrong there. I hate that it takes away from my time with my children. I hate that the people there treat me poorly. I just hate it all around!

I am so lonely. It seems silly because I have friends, but I am just lonely. I had been talking to a dear friend A LOT, and it helped, but that friend is no longer available to me. I miss it.... and I miss having someone I trust my heart with. I am so tired of being hurt that it is hard to trust new friends and old friends are moving on in their lives.

And I am so tired of people shoving other who hurt me down my throat. It took A LOT to stand up to my abusive husband and to go to court to have him taken out of our life. WHY do some people insist and shoving him and his family back down my throat? Why should anyone dictate that he is part of our lives just because he is the father of my children. He has done nothing but hurt us for years, it is time to get away form the toxins in our life and TRY to build something healthy!! Who has a right to insist he is back in our life? (well obviously they think they do, but it makes me wonder why I even bothered to get away from him in the first place. Doesn't anyone get how much he hurts us??? There is a reason it's called Domestic VIOLENCE.... because it HURTS!!!)

Okay I am going to stop now, but as you can see my heart is breaking and I am shedding way too many tears. I am ready for something good in our life....

2 comments:

Beth said...

Hi Gretchen.I read your blogs and your FB updates regularly. You seem to write alot of negative things. Dont wait for something good to happen. Make it. Which is sounds like you are. Progress is something that happens alittle bit everyday. Not all at once. You can only do what you can do! Be patient with yourself. You're doing what you have to do and there isnt much more one person can do. Be honest with your kids and let them know times are tough. Kids are tough too and they can handle things better than you'd think. I dont tell my kids everything but I dont hide alot either. They have to learn to look bad times in the face, so to speak, and they will learn from you how the right way is to get over it all. Crying is part of the process. Its supposed to happen. Crying doesnt make you weak. It makes you get rid of the negativity and it makes you stronger so you can get on with what you have to do. Hold your head up. You have your kids. Thats alot right there. Dont be negative. Think about what you have that is good for you. You have alot.

Masto Mama said...

(((Hugs))) Gretchen....praying for you guys and hoping that the Lord lights up your path before you in a way that gives you much needed peace. xoxo