Tuesday, November 10, 2009

darkness

As most of you know, I am on a new path in my life with the Lord. It is not a path I would have EVER chosen on my own, only through an EXTENDED amount of time on my knees in conversation with the Lord have I chose to take this path. It's a dark and lonely path, but I feel confident that it is the one He wants me and my precious children on. It scares the heck out of me, and I really want nothing to do with it, but I know better than taking a path other than the one that the Lord ordains. So down this dark road we are traveling. I know that we will NEVER be traveling alone, for He will be with us every step of the way, carrying us when we are too weary to walk ourselves.

And it is that very weakness I am feeling now. A heaviness with each breath I take. A sadness in each blink of my eye. Always fighting the tears, always fighting the enemy that would fill me with lies. It was such a struggle to simply get out of bed today. But I did manage it. Not in the normal time that I would, not even close. And not without help of dear friends. But I did it, and that in and of itself is a victory! Now I am just counting the minutes until my dear children fall asleep so I can curl back up in the comfort of my bed!

Today I was granted a big step forward in this journey. I know it's big. I know I should feel something. But honestly... I just cried when I found out. Not from sadness. No I don't feel sadness. I don't feel relief (which is what I thought I would feel). I don't feel vindication... or anything really. I simply feel like another part of my heart just died. I stand in the bathroom looking in the mirror and wander who the heck that woman is?? It's not me. I don't have grey hair, or these eyes.... or any of it. My dreams are gone, totally utterly crushed. My hopes in what I was gone too. I know that the Lord talks about seasons in Ecclesiastes and I know that there is a season for everything. But I am feeling like this is the season of loosing all that is Gretchen, and I am not sure I can bear that! This step that SHOULD have me feeling Something, only has me feel empty and dying. Not what I was expecting at all....

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build
,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance
,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

In reading this I am so scarred that it is my season to dye, to uproot, to tear down, to weep, to mourn and to search... ALL AT THE SAME TIME !! That is so not fair Lord! Oh yea, but He never promised that life would be fair did He?? I know that IN HIM, I will make it through to the other side... but I wonder HOW and when my joy will return. Such craziness.

I have certain blogs that I read daily. Mostly women of faith that struggle with real, everyday lives and I draw strength from those women, their storms and the way they walk through them with the Lord. I love sharing in the parts of their lives that they blog about. One in particular has been on my hear SO MUCH these last few days. And I just have to give a HUGE praise report and thank you to God for his miraculous healing hand! Such an amazing, painful, terrifying journey THIS family has been on, and God has SO FAITHFULLY answered their greatest prayer for the last YEAR this week! If you want to read about an amazingly strong woman of faith in an unbelievably trying time check it out. And THANK YOU Lord for the miracle you provided to this family.. you are SO AMAZING!!

1 comments:

{april kennedy} said...

hang in there Gretchen. You are doing it with the Lord as your guide. you are on the right path. love and hugs to you and your children.