Thursday, November 12, 2009

On Job

Here's your fair warning.. I am DOWN today. I have tears that won't stop. And a dear friend of mine suggested I go blog about it... so this is my bare heart bleeding onto the page. Don't want that right now? Move on! Because I am going to bleed it out, just like he said to!

Have you ever read the book of Job? I FEEL like Job felt these days!
Like this:

On my right the tribe attacks;
they lay snares for my feet,
they build their siege ramps against me.

They break up my road;
they succeed in destroying me—
without anyone's helping them.

They advance as through a gaping breach;
amid the ruins they come rolling in.

Terrors overwhelm me;
my dignity is driven away as by the wind,
my safety vanishes like a cloud.

"And now my life ebbs away;
days of suffering grip me.

Night pierces my bones;
my gnawing pains never rest.
Job 30:12-17

I feel like this. Like I am under constant attack. Like I am being destroyed beyond repair. Like there is no safety in my life, no place to hide from the storm. It just rages on, pelting me with every drop. Only my enemy is one that is called to love me. Called to cherish me like Christ cherished the church. How is this possible I ask. I seriously want to know God, how is it possible that the one that you blessed me with is the ONE that is killing me with his actions, with his words? The one telling me that I am nothing. That beats me down and leaves me dry and empty? Is this what my life on this earth is to be God? Really? This is what my Father who loves me has for me? For my children?

In Job it goes on to say, that in the midst of all of this agony it only gets WORSE!

"I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer;
I stand up, but you merely look at me.

You turn on me ruthlessly;
with the might of your hand you attack me.

You snatch me up and drive me before the wind;
you toss me about in the storm.

I know you will bring me down to death,
to the place appointed for all the living.

"Surely no one lays a hand on a broken man
when he cries for help in his distress.

Have I not wept for those in trouble?
Has not my soul grieved for the poor?

Yet when I hoped for good, evil came;
when I looked for light, then came darkness.

The churning inside me never stops;
days of suffering confront me.
Job 30:20-27

Great.. it's going to get worse? I can't stand it now, how in the hell am I going to stand it any worse?? I mean, aren't I broken enough yet?? But then I read on in Job... and there is a glimmer of hope. A small glimmer.. a barely there glimmer. But a glimmer all the same. Because you see in the end Job prevails, he is given victory, he is made right with God and he KNOWS it.

I know that I am not perfect. Far from it. But I also know that God has been working in my heart for a VERY LONG time to call it further into alignment with His. I know that I am growing more and more Godly everyday. That He is working His will in my life. I am no longer acting out of a need for revenge, but a true desire to live in peace, to be honored and to be cherished. There are those around me that are still acting out in revenge. Causing harm and pain just to feel the rush of the power trip once they are done. And it is so HARD to be Godly when those attacks come. It is even harder to get up once the attacks are over, because I am drained. I have been giving for so long that I m just drained of any reserve that I would usually have.

This morning I was curled up on my kitchen floor (because it was all I could do to just get in the front door) bawling my heart out. I hurt so deep I didn't even care anymore. ANYTHING to make the pain go away. I cried for a LONG time.. there were puddles on the floor! But I am smarter than that, I know that that is the enemy's attack method. So after I had cried the worst of it I started down the phone list. And I had to get pretty far down it to find someone to talk to. But I think that is JUST who God wished me to talk to this time. It never ceases to amaze me that He knows which prayer partner I need at which time.. I do wish He gave better clues about which one to call first though!

I really don't know what was said, I just know that the rhythm of the voice calmed me, the point of the story was meant for me, and the person cared.. that was all I needed.. to know that I was cared for by SOMEONE, anyone. Because it's hard to KNOW that God loves you when so few here on earth show that they love you. It is so hard to imagine that He would care SO MUCH, love SO MUCH and be so involved in my life when I am not worthy of that here. The human mind just can not get around that, or at least mine can't! So here I am..... empty.. sad... crushed... and PRAYING that the storm is almost over and it will be time to see the rainbow soon. Please?