Thursday, March 11, 2010


It's been a hard week and I have been processing lots, but in it all I am learning much, and gain bits of hope. Bits, mind you. But any gain is good right?
But I did realize that in all of the chaos of the first part of the week I forgot to post the Sunday pics this week! Silly me.

This past weekend we took the kids to the Monarch Grove down in south county (all of those towns blend together down there, so I never really know WHICH town I am actually in!)

We were blessed with a little break from the rain and good walking weather.

The scenery was pretty and fun to take pictures of...

Which was a good thing since the kids were in.....

Actually I was lucky to be taking ANY pictures at all...since my camera had dead batteries and no memory card when we got there!

Thankfully my parents camera was tucked in my purse too.. so I got my picture fix!

Yea, I know I am weird to have TWO cameras in my purse... but if that is the weirdest thing about me that you know then we are doing well!!

We got to this really cool grove of trees and I wanted to do some quick pics of the kids...but as you will see SOME of them were not so cooperative!

Audrey was mostly pouty, I think this is the only picture smile I got out of her all day. Things have been taking their toll on her, and my usually happy go lucky little pixie is sad, withdrawn and depressed recently. I pray for a balance for her soon. But who knows with the courts INSISTING that her evil grandmother gets to supervise her sick father's visits??? Man do those kids need covered in prayer in those times!

Nat wasn't much better in the pictures. But during the walk he did open up and tell me many of the things that are bothering him right now. Including that he misses his bed, he is sad that Jon fixed his room but he can't live in it, and he doesn't like how Papa cooks! So sweet that he is beginning to talk about his feelings. Oh, and the other heart breaking thing he said was: "I HATE that dad calls everyday and makes me tell him that I love him before he will leave me alone. I don't want to tell him that." Ugh. I am not sure which is worse, that my son doesn't want to say "I love you" to his father or that he feels like he HAS to say it for his father to leave him alone. Both really suck!

Silly boy wouldn't even look at the camera for me! But he did enjoy "fishing" with that stick!

Doesn't he just look sad? I wish I could make all of this chaos and sadness go away for my kids. It breaks my heart to not see them being the happy giggly kids that they usually are. I pray for things to get better soon for them.

Then there was Kaia. Silly Kaia usually makes the worst pictures faces at me, and she usually looks so goofy in all of the pictures that I take of her...

But today she was the one into posing sweetly for pictures!

And I thing that there are some cute ones of her!


Oh well, at least one of them played for me before my parent's batteries died too! Ugh!

Monday night was bitter sweet for me. My dear friend and I went out and had a TON of fun together. It has been so long since I had such a great evening. We shared an amazing meal, had some good laughs (I purposely put the issue of the kid situation off limits, I needed a fun few hours!), and just spent sweet time in each other's company. What a blessing. But it was sad too, because I knew he was leaving the next day, and I have no idea if or when I will see him again. I know that we both have paths for our lives and that they are in opposite directions at this time, but I will still miss his great insights, sweet treatment and mild approach to life. He is a dear soul on his own journey and I wish him the best.... but I still miss him! Silly how we KNOW the right thing, but it isn't always easy to be right :)

After dinner (and shopping!) we decided to go shoot some pool together. Now I am not sure that we have EVER played pool together, but in the months he was here it was something that we kept talking about, but never got around to doing. It was sort of a now or never feeling, so we headed out to the local bar to play a game or two. And I was left wondering WHY we didn't do that sooner???? It was so much fun!

I seriously don't think I have played pool since Nat was born, I KNOW I haven't played since Audrey was born. The bar was empty (we even felt a bit guilty for keeping the bar tender there, but she was cool!), we got to play whatever music we wanted (funny mix when I picked some and he others.... Christian and country for me, and everything else for him!) and shot pool. Did I say it was so much fun???? And I even did better than I thought I would after not playing for so long (that or he was being REALLY nice to me!). We laughed and talked and played for a long time, then walked home in my silly little town with no street lights. What a great memory to hold onto for me. Now I know that I can have happy times with the right people in my life. For too many years going out has hurt my spirit so bad, but this night began a healing of my spirit, because I was reminded that with GOOD people who treat me with kindness and respect I can have FUN and that is ok! That boy taught me lessons right up to the second he left. Man do I have a lot to work on now thanks to his lessons!

And I think I will stop here, on the feel good happy feeling of Monday night, because Tuesday brought pain, and humility and tears that I don't want to think about right now! But don't worry too much, I am ok, and getting stronger everyday... even continuing to learn J lessons. Like today, I learned that working long hours is good for distraction, but I must remember to set the heater and put some lights and music on timers because coming home to a cold, dark, quiet house is too lonely for me right now! Also, I learned that you can leave the window open all day, put fresh linens in a room and STILL smell someone else AS SOON as you walk in the door! Seriously, I smell Audrey, Nathaniel and Jon in the house NO MATTER what I do! And the final lesson of the evening? Check the CD player to see what is in there before you hit play and crank it up high, because sometimes blasting "Harvest Moon" might not be the best choice! See, I am learning :) And the good thing? I have tomorrow to learn more!