Saturday, October 16, 2010

Right vs. Easy Choices

Why are the "right" choices always the "hard" choices or the ones that hurt?

It has been a heart wrenching day here in my world.
And I have spent most of it either:
A: NOT letting my mind think about ANYTHING
B: keeping SO BUSY that I don't have time to think
or C: in tears.

If you read here often, then you know that I am a general partner in a business called Butterfly Boutique.

Did you know that we opened our doors for the LAST time today?

We will never again open for a "regular business day" again.

And that is so HARD for me to swallow.

Oh, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what God wants me to do. And I know that it is best for my children and I. And I know that He will bring other fulfilling things into my life. But knowing all of that does nothing to take away the pain.

I love Butterfly... not as much as I love my children, which is why I am making the choice for them not it, but I still love it, and seeing it close is heart breaking to me. All of the hours I have poured into it over the last 5 years. All of the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into it. All of the wonderful people I have met through it. All of the good we have been able to do in our community. All of the dreams I had wrapped up in it..... Gone. All of it gone.

Locking the doors tonight was SO HARD. I honestly didn't mind that we had a few late customers, it prolonged the minute I would have to lock those doors, knowing I wouldn't be opening again for business as usual ever again. And having an audience when I did that? RIDICULOUSLY hard! I just wanted to sit down on the ground and WEEP at the unfairness of it all! But I didn't .... I turned my mind off, locked the doors and drove home. (Where I went and hide in my mommy closet and cried my eyes out!)

I had such high hopes for 2010.I was going to get it together this year, have fun with my children and find a new routine for all of us. Instead I have:

~Fought tooth and nail against a system that wants to explain life (and my son) from a "psychological" stand point when it (and he) are neurological.

~Accept the fact that I a married a man who will choose his addiction over his family.... EVERY time.


~Ended my 13 year marriage and learned to walk the devastatingly hard road of a single mom.... with a special needs child.

~Accepted defeat and moved out of the home that I have poured my heart and soul into for the last 12 years.

~Regained .... and then lost again.... my best friend.

~Learned to live WELL below the poverty level, yet still hold my head up in public.

~Endured 3 major medical procedures with my son, and have one more on the very near horizon.

~And now, closed my business.

2010 is NOT what I thought it would be!
(to say the VERY least!)

And you know what....
I think the hardest is yet to come.
We still have to go take apart the store.
Piece by piece we will have to take it apart and sell it off.
All of those pieces that we so lovingly created with our hard work we now I have take apart.
And THAT is going to come darned close to killing me!

Only He can get me through this next two weeks.....

I know that He never promised us it would be easy, and that life wouldn't hurt.
I know this.
But knowing it does not take the pain away, or make it any easier.
And  I REALLY want to know why He leads us down roads with such HARD choices on them.
Just one time, couldn't the right choice also be the easy one?

.....

and I wonder what path He has for me next????

3 comments:

Captain and Crew said...

Gretchen, I can see that you are fighting a lot. I have had many seasons of life of fighting. I am grateful to find myself in a season of standing and recovery, instead of fighting. I have faith that you will also rest and stand and recover. We know that perserverance brings character. The Lord is faithful! Praise His HOLY name!

amy.lee617@gmail.com said...

breathe in, breathe out..
Your are in my prayers tonight... and my thoughts.
You are so strong, you can do this!

Joanna (and David) said...

Oh my. I just found your blog and I am SO sorry - things have been more than tough for you it seems and I never wish that on anyone - especially one of my fellow SB mommies who already has come through so much. I'm praying for a silver-lining and some easy, happy times very, very soon. Hang in there!