Sunday, October 3, 2010

Thank goodness for God's grace!

Are there times that you wish it was easier to be Godly?

I have those moments.... and I had one today.

It stinks.

It is HARD.

And sometime I just don't want to do it....

But then I remember that Jesus never promised us that life on this earth would be easy. And he never promised us that we would like it. Nor did he promise us that we wouldn't ache with pain so deep and heart wrenching that we think we can't breathe!

And then I remember his promises. He DOES promise to be right there with us. He DOES promise to love us through our pain. And he does promise us that he has a perfect plan for it ALL.

So when those moments happen (like happened for me today) I fall on my knees knowing that he is there with me... and you can too!

But it still HURTS.
And it still makes me cry.... and I still HATE it.
I just know how to get through it without becoming a bitter woman over it!

So what happened today? Well I am so glad you asked!

I met a client downtown today to get some treasures together for an order for her children. Now I am not big on downtown.... just too many people for me! But that was where the store was we needed to be at. So after a LONG spell at the store gathering lots of treasures, the kids (who were AWESOME during this trip!!) and I headed back to our car (which was parked forever away from us of course!) On this little jaunt we ran into members of Mark's family.... TWO DIFFERENT sets of them no less!

Now SOMEHOW I am the big bad b*&%$ to these people.

And that is so not fair.

And it HURTS me to be judged that way.

First... it's not fair! I know that I am not blameless but in truth I am not at fault either. I hung in a HURTFUL marriage for 13 years. I endured YEARS of Mark's addiction and prayed constantly for him. I loved him through all his falls and tried so hard to show him that there was a way out of the addiction if he wanted it. But in the end, having Mark in our lives daily was HURTING the kids and I emotionally and physically. I had to leave. And I KNOW that God lead us down the road that we are on. I have no lack of peace that God is control of this journey. I also know that I am healthier than I have been in YEARS right now, even though I am deep in the valley. But I want to know why I am the bad guy here? I am not the one with the addiction. I am not the one that has lost job after job due to that addiciton. I am not the one that physically harmed people. I am not the one who lives a life without morals. And I am not the one who CHOSE something over my family. Why do these people hold me responsible for this?

And secondly.... it HURTS. It hurts when people hug on my children but refuse to say hello to me. It hurts when they speak to my children right in front of me, but will not acknowledge a word out of my mouth. It hurts when they refuse to even LOOK at me. And it hurts when my children ask me questions about the encounter.

I am a person. I have feelings. These are MY children you are speaking to. Can you not have the least bit of common courtesy to their mother? The one who provides for them. The one who raises them. The one who allows you to see and speak to them. The one who sacrifices herself daily for their well being. I am also the one who prays DAILY for Mark to be victorious over the demons that hold his life. I am the one that teaches those children that their father is in a battle for his eternal life and the best thing we can do is pray for him. Why is it so hard to be POLITE to me??

So tonight I hit my knees in prayer.
In prayer of thanks giving that He is ALWAYS with me.
In prayer of adoration that He loves me no matter what.
In prayer of praise and thanks giving that that very love is one I feel all around me. 
 In prayer for these people who hurt me.
In prayer for the situations that terrs families apart.
In prayer for Mark and his battles.
In prayer for my children in this hard situation.
In prayer for me, that I have the strength to act in manner worthy of Him next time I encounter these people. (Because there will be a next time.)
In prayer that I lay ALWAYS in His arms, NO MATTER WHAT.

Thank God I have God.
Because it does hurt, but I KNOW that there is an eternity at the end of this that will make it all worth it.
And because, seriously, how do those without Him get through these moments?


Deb said...

Wow, once again I feel as if you are telling my story.. I too have had hurtful looks given me, myself and my children continually snubbed by my husbands family and I have been made to feel as if his addiction was somehow my fault.. Thank you for being a reminder of a Godly way to respond to this hurt, to mirror God's grace.