Monday, September 14, 2009

I am sure that there are those out there who's every minute of everyday is not a such a struggle, but I can't see them in my pain. I am sure that there are those out there who's struggles are harder and bigger and more daunting than mine, but I can't imagine them. The path that I am on, and have been on for quiet some time, is so overwhelming to me right now that I am not sure how I place one foot in front of the next from minute to minute. I am constantly fighting the battle to just lay down and not get back up. But I know that is not the course Jesus would have me on. If he was ready for me home in heaven he would take me there. But that doesn't stop the constant ache in my heart to be at the finish line!

I am not sure when I began to feel so defeated, but I know that it has been a long time. And I know that there hasn't been a light at the end of my tunnel in years. It is a dark and lonely path, and would be even more so if Jesus wasn't carrying me through it! But the past few days I have felt the darkness seeping into places it's never been before. I look at my children and see the pain in their eyes. I feel their desperate clinging to me and the Lord that carries us. I hear their words that are too mature for their ages and feel like this path is hurting them too much. And therefore hurting me even more. I ache for them to have a childhood of sunshine and rainbows. Or carefree laughter and tears of joy. I ache for the pain that is our every minute life to be gone forever! So that is where I am right this minute. In a deep dark pit crying for all that my children and I will never have. But that is NOT where I want to be, nor is it where I will stay if I have ANY say in the matter.

As overwhelmingly hurtful and depressing as the weekend was there were high points. Good things. Fun moments stolen. And those are what I am going to share with you right now. Those are what I am going to cling to in this darkness, and pray that those moments will become more and more so that someday I can honestly say that there were more light moments than dark ones in my day! That is my dream, a day with MORE light than dark.

Here are this past weekends light moments! In totally random order because my brain is too fried to figure out the right order to upload them in!
My two dancers extraordinaire after their performance at Grandparents Day!

Joise showing off her fancy moves!

The Coolest Kids on the Block.... literally!

Josie's Hip Hop number that I had NEVER got to see her perform before!

My littlest ham!

Okay, so this one is a funny story. I was pretty bummed Sat afternoon so I decided to make Audrey a dress. We picked the fabric out together and then I just sort of cut and sew and made this cute little number for her. She wore it to church on Sunday and got SO MANY complements, everyone kept coming up and telling her how cute she was, etc.

So here is Audrey in the dress before church Sunday...

And Josie in the SAME dress Sat afternoon.... with full blown Josie attitude!

AND Brianna in the SAME dress Sat too...

And Audrey on Sat trying it on.... it seems that all three girls fit in it to varying degrees!! Funny girls!

We had tons of fun bobbing for Apples at the Halloween Extravaganza! If I had known that this would be hours of fun and entertainment for the kids I would have done it way sooner!! I think next time they are having an off day I will set it up for them again! They were so funny!

Nathaniel decided to dress himself up... he chose this delightful outfit all by himself :)

What a silly guy!

I painted Audrey's face for the heck of it....

And Brianna got into the goofiness with this bobble headband!

Saturday was also the first day of TOPSoccer here in Los Osos. TOPS is a special division for disabled kids and a great program! We had a small but fun group this week.... hope it grows some this season though!

Nathaniel loves being goalie!

The other highlight of my weekend was actually church. If you remember last weekend I had a few issues with church.. but this week it was back to great :) I walked into a sanctuary that I could breath in (thanks to the chairs being right :), worship was really great. Humble, moving and somehow I think that they took the songs straight off of my play list! And the message was really good too. Something I work on everyday, and it was given validation and good fresh ways to look at things. I also made a contact with someone that I am hoping will be a positive person and relationship in my life. I really felt like the Lord layed it right on my heart to talk to this person, then paved the way for me to do it... so I am hopeful about that! AND my children were EXCELLENT in church with me!! I was so proud of how well behaved they were ;)
Oh my.... I was supposed to take the kids to school 10 minutes ago! Guess it is time to get my boogy on!