Today my precious daughter is11 years old. We will celebrate her birthday today, yet my heart breaks in a million pieces that she is not with us as we celebrate. I firmly believe that the heaven where she is is beyond our imagination in glory, but my arms still feel empty. {I thought that I could write this post without tears, but I will tell you, even 11 years latter, the tears are ALREADY streaming down my face!!}
This morning as I awoke the similarities between 11 years ago and today are a bit unnerving! In 1998 the days fell the same as this year, we celebrated my baby brother's birthday on Friday (just like this year) and this was Labor Day weekend then too! And another similarity was that we were having a record heat wave that had everyone miserable.
I was REALLY miserable, 34 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am NOT a heat person anyways, but being pregnant made it all that much worse. I was FAT and SWOLLEN and MOODY beyond words! I felt wrong, and bugged the heck out of the on call doctor about it all day Saturday, but he kept telling me I was fine. Finally, I broke out the What to Expect When You Are Expecting book and did a little research. I did NOT like what I found. It seemed that my symptoms were that of pre eclampsia, which sounded BAD! But it looked easy enough to confirm... I just needed to take my blood pressure! So off we (my mom and I) headed to the local pharmacy to use one of those little machines. 230/190.... the pharmacists said that the machine must be broken because that was not possible, I should be having seizures with that blood pressure! Needless to say I was on my way to the hospital and I was entering my own version of Hell! The next 48 hours would be the WORST (to this day) of my life!
I found out late Saturday, September 5, 1998 that my precious child I was carrying no longer had a heart beat. I had the heartbreaking job of informing my husband of what had happened and the agony of still having to give birth. I prayed CONSTANTLY all night for the Lord to take me home to heaven WITH my daughter. I absolutely could not imagine the rest of my life without her. Obviously that is one prayer that the Lord did not answer in the fashion that I wanted. To this day, the only way that I get through each and every day without her is that ABSOLUTE promise of God that I WILL be reunited with her in Heaven!
Through the blessing of wonderful Pastoral care {my FOREVER thanks to Vince and Tom (yes, the one spelled that way)} and a supportive family, both church and real, I some how made it Thru that dark time and am here to talk about it today. And dark it was. So dark that it physically and emotionally hurts me to even remember that time. So instead I think about what God taught me during that time and since.
This morning as I awoke the similarities between 11 years ago and today are a bit unnerving! In 1998 the days fell the same as this year, we celebrated my baby brother's birthday on Friday (just like this year) and this was Labor Day weekend then too! And another similarity was that we were having a record heat wave that had everyone miserable.
I was REALLY miserable, 34 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am NOT a heat person anyways, but being pregnant made it all that much worse. I was FAT and SWOLLEN and MOODY beyond words! I felt wrong, and bugged the heck out of the on call doctor about it all day Saturday, but he kept telling me I was fine. Finally, I broke out the What to Expect When You Are Expecting book and did a little research. I did NOT like what I found. It seemed that my symptoms were that of pre eclampsia, which sounded BAD! But it looked easy enough to confirm... I just needed to take my blood pressure! So off we (my mom and I) headed to the local pharmacy to use one of those little machines. 230/190.... the pharmacists said that the machine must be broken because that was not possible, I should be having seizures with that blood pressure! Needless to say I was on my way to the hospital and I was entering my own version of Hell! The next 48 hours would be the WORST (to this day) of my life!
I found out late Saturday, September 5, 1998 that my precious child I was carrying no longer had a heart beat. I had the heartbreaking job of informing my husband of what had happened and the agony of still having to give birth. I prayed CONSTANTLY all night for the Lord to take me home to heaven WITH my daughter. I absolutely could not imagine the rest of my life without her. Obviously that is one prayer that the Lord did not answer in the fashion that I wanted. To this day, the only way that I get through each and every day without her is that ABSOLUTE promise of God that I WILL be reunited with her in Heaven!
Through the blessing of wonderful Pastoral care {my FOREVER thanks to Vince and Tom (yes, the one spelled that way)} and a supportive family, both church and real, I some how made it Thru that dark time and am here to talk about it today. And dark it was. So dark that it physically and emotionally hurts me to even remember that time. So instead I think about what God taught me during that time and since.
I have repeatedly heard it said, that which does not break us only serves to make us stronger. Well in this case that is true. Break I wanted to. Time and time again, through the months that followed I did NOT want to live, I just didn't have the energy to do anything about it. Seriously, I would wake every morning, find my way to the cemetery, and then spend ALL DAY laying on Taylor's grave crying or writing in my journal. Most of the entries in that journal are so tear stained that you can't even read them now! But time moved on, life kept going much to my displeasure, and God taught me hoe to live WITH the pain. In the process of healing, God revealed to my heart that one way I could use my pain would be to serve women and families going through their own version of my hell. For years I have been blessed to partner along side of people that God has placed in my life. This Hell is not one that I would invite ANYONE to join, not even my worst enemy, but for those that are in it I can be a light, a shoulder and a partner. I have been blessed beyond words to be there with these people.Just this week God has put it on my heart that I have not been serving His people the way that I am called to since leaving Mountainbrook. I have not found a church to plug into and serve, and that is my calling in life. I need to talk to the pastor of the church where I am (and I have fear in my heart over doing that) or change churches (again) to one where I can serve. What a conflict in my heart this is, but by not moving on what the Lord has lead me to I am dishonoring Him and my daughter! This will be my birthday gift to her this year, to find a way to start serving in her memory again!
I have also read in the Bible that God will use ALL THINGS for His good. For a LONG time I questioned how he could use the death of an innocent babe for His good... But He taught me! When I again became pregnant (with MUCH fear in my heart) God used Taylor's death to save Nathaniel's life. It's true. It's complicated, but it's true. Had I not experienced the indescribable heartbreak and despair of loosing a child I know for a fact that I would not have FOUGHT at every turn for Nathaniel's life. His diagnosis would have terrified me and I would have given into the enemy, but I remembered Taylor at every turn and fought tooth and nail for Nathaniel. And I am so thankful that I did, even in the darkest and scariest times with him, at least I HAVE him. I can curl up and comfort him in my arms, I can call on the Lord to wrap BOTH of us in His embrace. I can only call on the Lord to hold Taylor dearly FOR me until I get there, unlike Nathaniel where we can hold him TOGETHER. Thank you Taylor (and Lord Jesus) for the gift of Nathaniel and Audrey!
Today, while I long to hold my darling daughter and celebrate with her, I will live this life, that the Lord is obviously not done with me in. I will embrace Nathaniel and Audrey, we will do something to honor and celebrate their sister Taylor, and we will wait on the Lord to see what is next. But I guarantee you that I will also be clinging to the promise that I WILL be reunited with Taylor in heaven.
While I sing praise and worship at church (and am so happy that Gary & Mark will be leading it today) I will be dreaming of the time that I WILL stand before my Lord with ALL THREE of my children and we WILL raise our voices in praise and worship TO him!! What a thought!
As I dance with Audrey I will be dreaming of the day that I will dance with BOTH of my daughters in a place so glorious that I can't even imagine it today! Oh, to think of it..
Taylor, your mommy MISSES you and is so excited to see you again! Please, enjoy the Lord's company until we are all together again! And I know that the Lord has a special place for all of you babes ripped from their mommies arms way too soon... all of you together can draw strength that your mommies will be with you sometime! Today your brother and sister and I will be thinking of you lots, and will do something special just for you.... what would you like? Place just the right thing on my heart this morning for you my dear one!
And, for those of you who made it through my rambling, crying words... I leave you with the song that gets me through EVERYTHING. In EVERY need I have I always turn on this song and worship my Lord!
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
Doesn't that just cover everything? I have found in my life it does! There is never a situation that that song doesn't cover!
Blessings!
1 comments:
I couldn't help but tear up reading this post... I can't imagine what you went through or what you must still go through daily. But what an amazing perspective you have - and how comforting it must be to know that Taylor is watching out for all of you! Thank you so much for sharing.
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