Monday, September 28, 2009

A Mood & the 43rd Psalm

Have you noticed that I am in a mood lately? I have. And as much as I don't want to be in a mood, I also want to be real about where I am and who I am. Sorry if it bugs you.... but this is MY blog after all! I continue to be in a place of clinging to the Lord and praying steadfast for His guidance and His path for my feet and for my family. It is a HARD place to be. I is a DARK place to be. It has been a LONELY place to be. But it is where I am today.

I went on a prayer walk this morning to read my Bible and spend some quiet time with God. I took some great (in my humble opinion) pictures too. So if you don't want to read what God put in my heart this morning, that is fine, just look at the pretty pictures of His artwork. For those of you a little more broad minded, I would like to share with you what God placed in my heart today and ask for your joining me in prayer!

Doesn't this canoe look like it has weathered many a storm? I feel like that is how I look to God too. Tossed aside, faded, worn and beaten down. But like this canoe, which might be a little worse for the wear but totally sea worthy, I have worth to the Lord. There is a reason I am still here fighting the good battle. Do I know what that reason is? Or WHY the battle must go on? Nope. Not so much. But I do know that there is purpose, and reason. That in His plan there is complete hope. And that He will bring glory out of all of this... MUCK! I must look through the muck to His promises, to His grace and to His glory.

I must batten down the hatches and get ready to continue riding out this storm. I pray for friends during it. Good Godly friends that will stand in the midst of the pounding waves and scream out in prayer with me. Good Godly friends that will reach for my hand in these low moments and deep valleys to remind me that He is still there, He is the only reason I am still here too. He cares, He loves, and He is there to help. I need those friends that have the wisdom to continually turn me back to Him for ALL of my needs! I MUST stop trying to do it all in my own power, for I have no power in His ultimate plan. I must let go of myself and surrender COMPLETELY to His plan and His guidance. I need those people that will speak that love into my life, and remind me (in love) when I am trying to take control where that control really belongs!

On my walk, I journey past this little Inn. I love this Inn. It is cute and cozy and I could just imagine looking out those big windows to see this ....

and this....

And in my heart I said "Why Lord? Why do some people get to sit back and relax, enjoying these great views without a care in the world? Why do they get a break? A vacation?"

Yes, I was being COMPLETELY selfish.
Am I proud of it? NO WAY!
Am I being real about who I was and what I feel at times? YES!

But then God spoke to my heart.

"Isn't this walk a break?
Isn't My Word your strong hold?
Haven't I allowed you to make your HOME in this beautiful place?
Don't you and your children get to see this every time you choose to open your eyes and see it?"

And most convicting to me....
"If I gave you a vacation would you treasure it and relax?"

Yup. My God knows my heart. And my personality (like duh.... he made it right?) he knows that as much as my soul longs for a vacation my heart and head aren't there yet. My head just won't let go of all it is trying to solve. Yup. There is another DUH moment... because my head CAN NOT solve it all! My heart has to take control and lay it at the foot of the alter! For that is where all good and perfect gifts come from. The ONLY answers that one can fully trust in. The ONLY source of contentment and joy. And it only comes in full measure with COMPLETE surrender!

There are BIG things my soul is dealing with.

Life changes that HAVE to take place, but I keep falling into fear.

Some friends laid it on the line to someone dear in my life last week. While I was not there (and that was probably for the best) I have heard a few of the things that were said and I am in complete agreement with them. These were strong Godly men living in HARD words of love, and calling a brother to step up. But that brother's heart seems closed and he is content with status quo.

I am not content with status quo. The Lord has convicted me that this status quo is killing the spirit of everyone it touches. But I don't feel like I have those same Godly men and women surrounding me. I need to take practical yet difficult steps, and I am fearful that they will take more strength than I currently posses.

I feel drained from the battle and that I need to totally immerse myself in His word, His people and His love to gain the strength I need. Is there a pause button that I can push so that I can get that strength without anymore attacks coming?? Seriously, I need that :)

I also need to find the earthly hands of God that He has placed around me for this battle. I know that He has not lead me here to be defeated alone, I know that He has placed helpers along side of me, but I can not see them through the blinders that the enemy has placed over my eyes! Please pray that those blinders turn to dust, and my eyes see clearly the team that the Lord has assembled for me! Let me see the plan that is there, but is hidden from me!

Please also pray that ALL involved focus clearly on the Lord, I feel like the enemy has too many strongholds in those touching my life, and therefore he has a me covered in darkness and fear that I am constantly battling down.

If you have made it this far I thank you! Your faithfulness to my heart and your prayers for my family mean more to me than you could EVER know. I received an email from a reader that I have never corresponded to before this weekend and it brought me to my knees. God is so amazing in the complex ways that He works.

I share this not in vanity, for it is not for my glory but HIS glory that this is important, and real, and touched my soul. Nothing I share here would be possible without the my Lord and savior Jesus. I only share the words that He gives my heart with the gifts that He created in me.

"I had to take a minute and write this email ...WHAT A BLESSING !!!! I was surfing the web on candle making. Soy vs Paraffin ,and came across your video. As I watched I felt a peace come over me as if God was saying "just listen" I know this sounds weird but its true."

I created those How To video clips in a desperate time, when my family REALLY needed the money. It is not something I had ever done before, nor will I probably ever do again, but it brought this reader to my heart for God, is in that His purpose is completely served!

"Then I noticed you had a web-site so I went to it and as I listened to the music and looked at the pictures of your family I began to cry. ..... As I began to read your blog i thought this is so familiar. I laughed and cried as you detailed the hustle and bustle of your days. It's just so funny but real, truthful and honest. Thank You !!! The Holy Spirit has been nudging me to pray more (ON MY KNEES) and I've been to busy moping (I hope I spelled that right :) "I don't wanna get on my knees, I don't need to - I say" then a scripture comes to mind that says every knee will bow and every tongue confess----but still I've been to darn stubborn. About 1 hour before reading your blog and visiting your web site I got on my knees and Thanked God for being so good to me, for Blessing me and my son, and giving me strength when I didn't have any left. All I can say is God is Amazing,,,and when I went to your web site Amazing grace started to play......WOW. It was as if he was saying"I've been here the entire time"
....God used you as a vessel to give me a message. You probably aren't aware your being used to help others. I don't know and cant explain it but I know it wasn't by chance. "

Even in my darkest moments I know where to turn, and turn and turn! And through my sharing of that faithfulness God is able to remind others that they too know where to turn! How cool is that? I sometimes look around me and say "Why God, why do I go through all of this? What is the purpose?" Thank you for reminding me that the purpose it to bring glory to HIM!!!

As I leave you today (after writing what seems like a novel) I want to share with you the Psalm that the Lord gave me today...

Psalm 43
Prayer to God in Time of Trouble

Vindicate me, O God,
And plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
Oh, deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!

For You are the God of my strength
Why do You cast me off?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

Oh, send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God.

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God

May each of seek our path within His path today and each day to come.

If you feel lead, I would deeply appreciate your prayers and thoughts for me and my family during this dark and fearful time. I love each of you as Christ so loved the church. You are all so dear and special, not only to me, but to Him also!