Wednesday, December 2, 2009

broken but not destroyed

I am feeling so broken right now.

My image of me has been broken for a long time. How many years can one person be beaten down before they loose all self respect?

My belief in the ability to have a Godly marriage is broken. I feel like a failure because I couldn't pray it better, work it healthy or give to the point of healing.

My belief that the truth will always shine through is destroyed. So many lies are believed everyday that it is common place for the truth to be brushed under the carpet. Who even cares about the truth anymore, except for those that are lied about and to?

My belief that right will prevail with enough prayer, and devotion to the Lord is soundly shaken. I am back on my knees trying to understand this one.

My belief that some one's good will break through the bonds of the enemy at some point is shattered. The bonds of the enemy will lead those in bondage to do ANYTHING, hurt ANYONE and DESTROY what they come in contact with. How are those bonds broken???

My faith in yet another system is broken. So jaded. So narrow. So superficial. And left leaving me hurting so much!

My belief that I could handle what was thrown at me and that God would would give me the tools I needed is shaken. I think I need an attorney that I can't afford. Nor do I have time to figure out how to pay for.

My peace that above all else, my children will be safe is shattered too. How can they be safe when surrounded with such hatred? Such lies? Such a strong enemy? NOTHING in this life is more important to me than protecting those children, yet at every turn in the road I am deal crippling blows. How many more blows can I take before I am the one crippled?

And above all else, my belief that this could be handled in a mature, Godly fashion, with the best interest of the children at the heart of it is shattered into a million pieces.

But through it all, I REFUSE to be broken! I KNOW that through Him all things are possible! I KNOW that He has a plan for my children, myself and even the one controlled by the enemy! I KNOW that He will carry me through this. I just have to figure out how to kick my feelings out of the picture and let my knowledge take over. Lord, put my brain in charge of my heart! And Lord.... I only have a short time to pull myself back together before it is time to take Nathaniel to a difficult doctors appointment.... so can you toss me a mask to put on?? :)

I love and value each one of you that stood in prayer with me today and I know that I will be BEGGING you all again.... especially on Dec 17 th!! Please know that each of you are so dear to my heart and without you I wouldn't even be at this point!