Saturday, December 19, 2009

life keeps marching on!

I feel like it's been a LONG time since I blogged, but you will have to please forgive me, it's been a whirl wind of a week! The last week of school before winter break (I HATE that they call it that now!!). All of the preparation for court on Thursday. An old friend coming to hang with my family for a few days. Oh yea, and a business to run. And Christmas is almost here (and HOW did that happen??) So in between everything I have had a hard time stealing any computer time!

With all of that in mind I am actually feeling better this morning. For the first time in weeks I woke up WITHOUT the feeling of dread, or the feeling that this day is going to be another one where I don't get enough done. I am beginning to feel like I can actually get this all pulled together and that I can start new routines, new normals and basically a new life for the kids and I.

The kids have finished their last day of school for a few weeks. All of the field trips are done (and the stamps on the field trip tee shirts are updated too!!). The gingerbread house things are all into the classrooms, and we have gingerbread houses to display at home. The mosaic frames we did with Audrey's class are all assembled (we took pictures of each of the kids to go into theirs and wrapped them up as presents!) and returned so the presents could go home with the kids. And all of the teacher gifts are made and delivered. Now I have my kiddos for two + weeks, no homework (although we will continue to work on reading over the break) and no busy work for mommy in getting ready for all of the activities! I am looking forward to enjoying my kids and their freedom for the next two weeks!

And speaking of this two week break, this is the time when I said I was going to get SERIOUS about teaching Nathaniel self catheterizing..... Oh man, it's here already! So I have reward charts, and rewards, and timers and everything all ready. Starting with the first cath today I am hoping to encourage HIM to do it and gain independence! I am sure it's going to be just like potty training, only with a 9 year old and with behavior issues. Sounds exciting hu? Pray for me!!! And him too!!!

Then came court. As you all know, my heart is so divided on this issue, but I have been following the Lord on this path he has before me. I came under serious attack last Sunday at church by someone I respected and liked. It was hard for me to take, and really upset me, so I was heading into this a bit shaken. You see, I have been on my knees over this situation for a LONG time. I have CLEARLY heard the Lord tell me that legal separation and protection for the kids and I is HIS path for us right now. The using, the abuse, the pain and the spiritual poison HAVE to be stopped. I have many people in prayer over this situation with me and many of of have had the same confirmation that this is the Lord's will for my family right now. Of course, ultimately God's will is to break through ALL strongholds and set his children free. But He requires His children to SEE the strongholds and SEEK to be set free of them. Mark has not come to this place yet, and while I continue to PRAY from him, I need to be set free from living in a toxic situation daily.

Court on Thursday REALLY scarred me because the first time we were there Mark did not tell truths and the judge was very short with the situation, as I think anyone would be. I was talking about apples, while Mark wanted to discuss oranges... makes a person caught in the middle crazy I am sure. In the two weeks between the court dates the judge asked us to find witnesses to collaborate our stories. This was a humbling experience for me, as I sought the Lord's will in who to ask, wrote a letter to ask them, and waiting in prayer for response. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long before the first "I am here for you and the kids" came in. My heart wept with gratitude for this person in our lives, and one thing he said has really stuck in my heart, it's kind of become my mantra. When I thanked him all he said is "what's right is right." It was a simple, yet powerful reminder to just seek the truth in all things and stay on the side of truth. Thank you dear friend for planting those words in my heart, you will never know how I have clung to them! After this first person came forward many followed (not knowingly followed, but also came forward) and the whole team of them together really shed the light of truth on the situation for the judge. Thursday was not as bad as I thought it would be, although it still hurt in a soul deep way, I went in with the truth on my side, and the truth protected the kids and I.

I know that there are still people who refuse to see the truth and are blaming this on me being mean or evil or just psycho, but that is NOT the case at all. The Lord has clearly shown me that the problem needs to be looked at without laying blame and trying to be justified. But simply looking at the mistakes that were made, understanding that pain was caused by those and trying to head in the direction of healing. But, as is the case with any recovery program, stepping out of denial and facing the fact that things were done wrong is the only way to being. My goal now is to create a new and safe normal for the kids and I while I seek God's will in the healing process. But I HAVE to cling onto the fact that I AM looking at the whole picture. I know that I have done things wrong and own those mistakes. But I also KNOW that I am not the only one and I know that the other side's mistakes are not being owned right now.

So, as of the new ruling, the kids and I have the protection we need, I have the custody of them that I need to meet all of their needs (including Nathaniel's medical needs by myself), the orders for support are in place and there are still ways for the kids to have relationship with their father. I am feeling more secure in the knowledge that the kids and I are going to be safe. And I pray for our healing every minute!

And on to happier and lighter subjects... a really old friend that I haven't seen in YEARS came to hang with us this week, and it was such a blessed time. The funny thing is that he and I have reconnected recently over Facebook. And although it has been years, our core personalities are so much the same as they were years ago. It was funny to have someone that knows me so well but hasn't seen me in so long be here. And at the same time I could totally enjoy the time knowing what would be too much for him and what his limits were, usually without even asking! It was a trip, but a good trip. And it was so eye opening to have someone here that so KNOWS my love language and spoke it so perfectly (in the way that FRIENDS can speak each other's love language). I am all the way an acts of service girl first and a physical touch girl second. Simple things like sweeping my house floors and the driveway, cleaning my stove, cooking me a meal and vacuuming up the peanuts my son threw everywhere were so touching to me! It's those simple things that I have craved for so long, and having him here showed me one of the reasons that my heart has been so heavy for so long. And it so amazed me what a simple hand on my shoulder or a quick hug would do to level me out, especially in the midst of parenting Nathaniel. As Nat and I would get agitated a simple touch from my friend would reground me and I could focus on how I have been taught to parent Nat, not in anger like I learned growing up. Mark has NEVER done that for me, and in 9 years of parenting Nathaniel I have never thought to feed MY LL in the midst of strife with him! It has opened my eyes to a whole new way to interact with my precious son. Amazing how and where God will teach us lessons! I hope that we can all hang together again someday!

But as I mentioned next in my list above, I have a business to run.... and it's about time to scoot along over there. Faline worked her butt off trying to get the upstairs pulled together yesterday and I want to go in and work on it some before she gets there today :) It's time I start pulling my own weight around there!

And speaking of Butterfly Boutique... come shopping!!! We need you all this month :) It is crazy to me that December has been our worst month of the year!!! So we have great sales going and are looking to make our customers happy campers! And we have some GREAT stocking stuffers and fun gift items too! Seriously, come see us :)

Hoping to get back to sharing my heart with you here on my blog on a more regular basis again, but until then....