Tuesday, December 8, 2009

how crazy am I???

Have I told you that my life is a bit insane recently?
Oh, I have? Ok.

Have I told you that I have been facing some REALLY TOUGH decisions?
Oh, I have? Ok.

Have I told you that this has all been REALLY hard on me?
Oh, that too hu? Ok.

Well, it has been a time of prayer, seeking the Lord's will in my life, and the life of my children, and a time of TOUGH decisions. And I am sure it is far from over, but I finally feel at peace sharing what is going on here. Finally. It's not that I don't want to share. Or that I an censoring information. It has just been that I have felt to Lord telling me it is NOT time to share here. But that has changed in the last few days, and I feel like He says it's ok to share some. So that is what I am going to do! (for I ALWAYS seek to follow His will for my life!)

You see, as much as I love my husband, he has some demons in his life. Some really big, scary, ugly demons. And I think he is ok with those demons around, but I am NOT. Nor do I want them around my children. This is nothing new, it's been going on for a long time. But I feel like the Lord has clearly shown me that we have done everything possible to help my husband with his demons, but he still holds onto them. Things have gotten scary here. Things have gotten to a point that I can not live with the demons anymore. So I hit my knees yet again. I mean, honestly I feel like I have spent the last 4 years on my knees over this situation, but REALLY this time I said "Lord I am NOT getting up until YOU show me the path to get on." And He is ever faithful. He showed me the path. And WHAT a path it is.

It's a path I NEVER thought I would be taking. A path that MANY don't agree with me on. And a path that I can only take in HIS power. But you know what? I am ok if you don't agree with me! You don't have to, I only have to know that it is what the LORD wants me to do! And it's ok if I never PLANNED to be here, because I am NOT in control! The Lord is! And it is ok if I can't do this in m own power.... because I am WEAK. I am a SINNER. I am HUMAN. I have no power on my own, I do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

So it's done. I did it. I sought His will, I am walking His path and I am at PEACE with it! And this path.... the one I am on? It is complicated. And it is His will. I am praying WITHOUT CEASING for a miracle! For a miracle in Mark's life. For a miracle in our family. For the demons to be cast out FOREVER. For the enablers in his life to be cut out COMPLETELY. For Mark to man up and become the man of God that he is called to be. BUT I have drawn the line in the sand too. I have said to the enemy "be gone from my home!" and in doing so said to Mark the same thing. I have gone before the courts of our land and filed for a legal separation to protect the children and myself from Mark's demons and actions. I have asked the courts to protect my children and myself and I have asked for full custody of my children.... while we wait on this miracle. I know it's an action many of you will disagree with on various levels. There are those of you who think that a divorce is the only solution. There are those of you think I should just pray and not go to the courts. There are probably even those of you who think I deserve it all on some level. But that is of no concern to me! I KNOW that the Lord calls me to honor the vow I took before Him, so I will. I will remain legally married, but seek legal separation. I KNOW that the Lord has a plan, and as long as I follow His laws, His leading and His will, He will provide for us.

So today I sought legal help again to know what needs to be done before the next court date that is quickly approaching. My legal advisor gave me so tough homework to do. I had to swallow my pride and go before certain people to beseech them for their help. You see this is NOT a battle I can win alone. And the Lord had been telling me that for a while. But it is still VERY hard to go to others and basically beg for their help. I don't do rejection well, and any time you ask someone for help you run the risk of rejection. So I got down on my knees and asked the Lord WHO to ask for help. After a LONG time of listening I had His list. Then I sat down to compose a letter to these folks. I am NOT usually one who has trouble with words..... but it took me over 2 hours to write this letter! And then, even after I wrote it it took me another hour to hit the send button! Now these dear folks have the power in their hands, and I pray that the Lord CLEARLY leads each one on the path that He has for each of them. I don't know what that path is. I only know that these are the people the Lord told me to talk to. And I know full well that they will ONLY do what the Lord leads them to do. It's kind of cool that I have the peace of knowing that I have NO CONTROL in this situation. I am just to sit back and PRAY without CEASING for the next week, until we are in court again!

And in the middle of all of this??? You will NEVER guess what I did today!!!

Come on.... Guess!
I taught a class FULL of first graders ART!
Migraine inducing art....

And not just any art... we made REALLY messy Marble Mosaic Picture frames!

Yup... go ahead and call me C.R.A.Z.Y. !!!!

But while you are busy calling me names could you also life Nathaniel, Audrey and I in prayer? That we have the strength and courage to walk this path of the Lord's in a way that brings Him glory! And could you even lift Mark in prayer too? That the stronghold of the enemy in his life be SHATTERED. That the enablers be CRUSHED and REMOVED. And that he become HEALTHY.

Oh, you will?? You are so dear to my heart!!!