Wednesday, June 12, 2013


I feel burdened tonight to share...
And it isn't all that cheery....
But it is real!
And real is something that I have ALWAYS promised this blog would be!
As you know, we have been on a JOURNEY recently. Through this journey I have heard time and time again how strong I am, and it makes me want to scream. It isn't that I don't appreciate kind words about the manner we are walking the journey, but it frustrates me that so many fail to see the truth behind the journey.
The truth is that this is God's journey.
God chose the path for us.
God's hand is guiding us every step of the way. 
God has had this planned for so long.
And it is God's strength that is carrying us through this journey.
It is not our journey, but HIS to show his majesty through.
The truth is my flesh is TERRIFIED, but God gives me peace.
The truth is that my faith is TESTED in each step, but my feet stay on God' path.
The truth is that my flesh is WEAK, but God is STRONG and he carries me.
The truth is my flesh would give ANYTHING for a hug right now, but God cradles me close to his heart, and when I take the time to FEEL that, all is right in the world.
The truth is that I am EXHAUSTED, but God refreshes me.
The truth is my flesh feels so ALONE, but my spirit constantly feels Him here with us.
The truth is that Nathaniel and God are the HEROS on this journey, I am just along for the ride.
And the truth is that my flesh FAILS constantly, but He never waivers in His devotion to us on this journey.
Tonight was a failure in the flesh.
 An epic failure.
But God in all of His glory can turn even an epic failure into something good.
I broke tonight.
I BROKE into a million pieces.
And it was MESSY.
But God still handled it and turned it back for His glory!
I haven't slept well at all through this whole thing, but especially since my mom and Audrey left. I have had a hard time finding food that I can eat and still feel ok. The entire journey has been a roller coaster and lots of stress. There are things going on at home that I REALLY want to be there for, but can't. I am SO FAR from home, friends and family. I just had to deal with 2 days of Nathaniel's father (that was SO HARD). I miss my church time. I haven't had a hug in SO LONG (and in my world that just isn't ok!). And all of this caught up with me tonight.
Nathaniel works SO HARD today {isn't he such a rock star???} and was REALLY tired when we got transferred to 4th floor. In his exhaustion he hates our new room, he hasn't eaten much today, and he was pushing ALL of my buttons. And I just couldn't keep it together. My flesh won, and I ended up in a ball of tears.
I am NOT one of those moms that leaves her child in the hospital without someone he knows with him. But I did it tonight. I broke down and wept. I ran away from Nathaniel (I left him in the care of his nurses), collapsed into a pile and WEPT. And even in the middle of my fleshly UGLY, God shone brighter. As I was breaking I reached out to two brothers, and BOTH of them came through with prayers, words of encouragement, and Christly love. And as I curled up in a ball on the floor crying my pastor, who I hadn't talked to for hours, texted me to tell me that we had JUST ben prayed for in a prayer meeting. Isn't that JUST like God's wild perfect timing? Of course it is.
I took an hour. I cried. I prayed. I talked to people that I love. I cleaned my family house room. I took a couple bites of ice cream (yes, my indulgence). I took a shower. And I changed clothes. When I came back Nathaniel had actually eaten a little bit and was in good spirits. Together we are working through the rest of the evening. It isn't easy and I am still exhausted, but when I stop listening to my flesh and rest in God, it is much better.
So next time you want to tell me I am strong, stop and remember...
And IN HIM we can get through all kinds of crazy hard things!
Always remember,
"I can do ALL THINGS through Christ Jesus who strengthens me"
Philippians 4:13
Anytime you see strength in my life, it is God's not mine!