Sunday, June 30, 2013

The Ugly Real

So often here I focus on the journey, and I tell myself I am being real, but in the last week or so I have been struggling with HOW real to be. This journey we are on is about Nathaniel, and his healing and the AMAZING things God is doing in this little guy. But God has decided to make this journey about more than that for me too. God is showing me many things about ME that I don't want to see, that I am struggling with and that HURT.
Then the question becomes what do I do with those things He is showing me and teaching me? Am I real? Do I share them? Or do I bury those lessons and struggles in my heart, put on the mask and go on with life. Often I do just that, wear a mask and go on with life. But more and more I don't think that is what God has for us.
 There is this Casting Crowns song that totally speaks to my heart. I DO NOT want to be a happy plastic person. I do not want to wear the mask. I don't want to trade the alter in for a stage. I NEED to dare to let you see the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be.

Check out the Song HERE so you see what I mean, then I will spill my heart. No more masks for this girl today!

I started to write a quick email to a friend today to update him on Nathaniel and share a blog link, instead all of this PAIN from my heart poured out into words. It kinds surprised me, because I keep stuffing it back down, but he is a prayer warrior... so I guess God needed me to spill it somewhere safe. After thinking about that email for a while, I think God wants it spilled further. I NEED to be real.

 I love all the support and prayers we have gotten, but I cry every time someone tells me I am strong, or something along those lines. Seriously cry. I am SO NOT. God is strong, and God is with us, he carries me often. But any strength is not mine and that has made me stop to think what I am doing wrong that people don't see God in me when he is ALL that is in me? And it makes me think that I am wearing the masks again, and I don't want to wear masks anymore! So it is time to let it all out again.
Going into this journey my focus was 90% on Nathaniel and his part in the journey, as I think would be normal right? There was so much to consider for Nathaniel and his journey. I was concerned about some things at home, and money and that kind of think, but I really didn't think of ME in the journey. I didn't think of sitting here day in and day out without the busy of life to distract me. I didn't think of all the time that I would be deep in His arms drinking from him. And I didn't think of all the lessons God would have to teach me in this time. After all, He really has me in a place of being a captive audience!

As we endure more and more I am finding myself slip into a DEEP depression. Really, haven't been this bad in YEARS. I have so little to do here, but I find myself not able to do even that little. God is just working me over daily. I have almost filled an entire journal in my time here as I have prayed through so much that He is laying on my heart. I guess I didn't realize some things about myself.. like the comfort I take in my daily routine, or how much I depend on human touch in my day, how much I like being connected to people (it is SO lonely here) or how terrified I really am of "strange places"..... I am not a person I am the least bit happy about being right now.

I know some of the problem I am having right now is my Agoraphobia. As much as I hate it, there is no denying it. It controls so much of my life. I just have the HARDEST time in new places, among strangers and in unpredictable settings. I am so uncomfortable here it is all I can do to function daily without loosing my mind. I have been here for 26 days now and I have not been outside of a 2 block radius! Seriously. Have not. Hospital, Out Patient Center, Parking Garage and Family House. Those are he only places I have been. I am SURE that is not helping my overall well being, but the truth is I am TERRIFIED to attempt anywhere. I have not had a single panic attack on this journey (praise the Lord) and I just am terrified to push the envelope. New people, new routines, new everything, it is all I can do to process all that I HAVE TO, I just can't introduce anything else. So that means I have to meet our every need in those few spots... it sure has been interesting and smothering in some ways. But not so smothering that I dare venture out into that big mean world out those windows.

Another area that God is showing me is that of human contact. I have always known that I am super close to many of my friends, and church family. I know I am a human touch kinda girl, anyone who knows me at church knows that as I take any hug I can get. But what I didn't realize is how that affects me as a single girl of God. On this journey I am SO far away from all I am used to drawing strength from, and I am weak from it. My fuel tank is constantly hovering near empty. But should that be the case? Shouldn't I be able to fill that tank up form the Lord? Yes, I understand he sends me my friends, but as a single girl in Him, I should take far more nutrients and filling from Him and less from those around me. It has been interesting having to go such long periods of time without a simple hug, and in that He has shown me much. I am ALWAYS a music girl, but this iPod has never been far from me on this journey. I am CONSTANTLY praising him, and that is filling me up some. I am also DEVOURING his Word, which is kind of unique for me. I usually do well to do my morning reading, but right now, I am reading constantly. It will be interesting to see how this continues (or if it does) at home. And through this very topic God has been speaking to me about my broken marriage and what I need to do there. He has been very specific about the path I need to walk as soon as I get home. Not looking forward to this path, but if He commands it I will do it. All to say, I MISS my hugs, but God is showing me that I use them too much to fill holes He should be filling.

The other thing that He is showing me that doesn't surprise me, but at the same time does, is my PASSION for serving Him. My heart SERIOUSLY BREAKS every time that I miss a regular serving time. Not for me, I mean I miss my friends and stuff but not so much missing the hard physical labor that we do! But my heart breaks that my hands and feet are not bringing glory to Him in this time. I KNOW He has provided hands and feet to do the work (and more) that I usually do... but mine just ACHE during those times. It is crazy. I KNOW I am called to serve Him, but I REALLY REALLY know now. And He is talking to me about HOW and WHERE I serve Him. I think He is proving his point, but good grief! Enough already, right?

 I know it seems like we are on the downhill side of things looking in from the outside, but honestly? Right now I wake up not sure how I am going to get through each day. I cry too much, I can't motivate myself to do anything...  I just really DON'T like the girl I am right now... I feel like God is probably even annoyed with me. I should be shouting from the roof tops at how awesome He is for bringing my boy through this in such glory, and all I do is beg Him each day to carry me through the day. My friend said it so well tonight, Nathaniel is on this journey of rebirth in some ways, and healing and I am here to support him and make sure his needs are met, shouldn't that be enough? Couldn't God wait on the rest? But obviously not. Obviously He has a FAR bigger journey to take us on than I could have ever imagined. I started this journey thinking it was about Nathaniel and what God would do through him and with him. Instead God has made it about a rebirth of sorts for both of us. Cuz that is just how God rolls.

Ok... So I know this was really just processing out the most recent wrestling match with God for me, but I am hoping that in some way it speaks to someone else too. And more than anything, I hope that it helps people to see why I am constantly saying, I am just a girl, He is the strength.